


Like I Am Human

by doujinbag



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Blowjobs, Cigarettes, Cocaine, Depression, Drug Addiction, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homelessness, Hospitals, Kissing, Librarian!Levi, M/M, Making Love, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Prostitute!levi, Prostitution, Shotgunning, Smut, Suicide mention, Writer!Eren, erwin gets antagonized a lot, hanji's assumed gender is female, nightclubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:29:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2779937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doujinbag/pseuds/doujinbag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is a prostitute who works at a library in Cincinnati during the day, horrible sex being the only thing that can actually pay his bills and help him survive. He doesn't know what real happiness is and never has- up until he meets Eren Jaeger. The sweet, cute aspiring writer who has a bit more in common with Levi than either of them know. But once Eren discovers where Levi's really living and what he spends most of his nights regretfully doing, he knows all he can try to do is help the man that he's started to hopelessly fall for.</p><p>--<br/>For right now, this fic is discontinued.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> This is ONE of the most difficult things I've ever written. And I write a lot of heavy stuff (I've written about bulimia, drugs, abusive relationships, the list drags on and on). I just really hope someone out there likes this because I've been working really hard on it.
> 
> On a sidenote, there are a couple songs I wanna throw out there if anyone cares much. The song that mostly inspired me to write this is "A Little Death" by The Neighbourhood, because I heard the line "make me feel like I am breathing, feel like I am human". That's where it all began. But my small list also includes "Human" by Christina Perri and "A Team" by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> I think that's all I have to say. Please please enjoy this and leave feedback on what you liked (if anything) and what you think I should improve on!! I always appreciate it.<3

The November air is cold, much colder than my clothing allows for. I should have brought my coat with me tonight, not that it would have mattered. Everything I put on my body always comes off within a matter of two hours anyway.

I shiver and check my makeup in my tiny mirror one last time, then adjust the fishnets on my legs just as a car rolls around the corner. My next customer.

He slows down next to me and rolls the window down, and I pop my head into the car, forcing a smile as I speak in a sultry voice. "Hey," I say. "What's a pretty man like you doing out alone so late?"

"Looking for a pretty boy like you to take home," he replies, and he lets me into the car. I sit down and watch the scenery fly by my window as he drives to his house, his hand running up and down my thigh the whole time.

"What's your charge?" he asks, taking the hand that was once on my leg and using it to push his blond hair from his eyes.

"Usually... forty per hour," I reply. "But whatever works for you."

He pulls up to a penthouse apartment and leads me inside, and the minute he closes the door, he pushes me against the wall and wraps my legs- which are _much_ shorter than his- around his hips, his hands holding underneath my thighs. I pretend to be into it, kissing him and holding this man's body against my own. But I've done this so many times before, with so many other vile, sweaty men, that it's a mundane task now. I've just gotten so good at lying that I've almost started to fool myself.

Once we're on the bed, I try to block it out. I always do this. Put on a happy face and look like I'm enjoying it as much as possible while inside my head, I'm trying not to scream. After twelve years of being in this awful business, though, I've learned to stuff it down. I don't cry anymore. I don't know how.

I focus on the ceiling as the man continues to thrust into me, sweating and panting and moaning things like _“oh fuck yes, you whore."_

It's not the first time those words have been spoken to me. I'm always there for their pleasure and their pleasure only; I'm their slut, their bitch, their little toy. I'm all these things, but it seems like none of them are ever synonymous with _human being._

He finishes and I fake a moan, sounding to his ears as if he's actually good at it. It's pathetic, in all actuality, considering that he's goddamn awful.

He hands me a fifty-dollar bill and mumbles "keep it" before falling asleep. I move out of bed and put my skimpy clothes back on, biting my lower lip as hard as I can to keep it from quivering. I put the fifty in my little wristlet purse and slide my black pumps back onto my feet, just before grabbing his wallet off the nightstand and looking through it. _This guy's loaded_ , I think. It doesn't matter if he loses a couple hundreds here and there.

After stealing a total of two hundred dollars and fixing up my hair in the bathroom mirror, I walk out of his house, making my way down the hill. My own tiny apartment actually isn't that far from here, so thankfully I'm not in the cold for too long.

Once I get back home, it's past three AM, and I remember I have work- my daytime job- in the morning. I take multiple showers to rid myself of all the filth I feel crawling underneath my skin before falling asleep on my couch, holding my knees tightly to my chest.

I've been a prostitute since I was fourteen years old. For the first few years, it was hard. I couldn't go to sleep without crying my eyes out. But once I came to the realization that it was a necessity, that someone like me would never be able to pay the bills otherwise, I sucked it up and embraced it.

I once lived with some other people like me in a cramped, broken-down little house, but after half of them got arrested and my favorite, Petra, got killed, I was on my own. I got my first apartment in the middle of the city when I was eighteen, and I originally got by just on letting the landlord fuck my brains out every week, but he soon grew bored of me, and my hourly rates weren't enough to have me covered anymore. After that, from the time I was nineteen up until I was twenty-four, I didn't have a home. I moved from city to city, seeking home in the false kindness of strangers. I somehow wound up in the dirtier parts of Cincinnati, which brings us to now. At night, I'm the pretty, no-name slut, making money by fucking and typically stealing enough to cover rent and utilities. By day, I'm just Levi, a quiet but bitey librarian worker. I could say it gets tiring, but it's all I know how to so. This has been my entire life.

In the morning, I shower and eliminate every trace of last night off my body. Not that there's really much left after my three consecutive scalding showers once I got home, but I can never be sure. I get dressed in some real clothes- black T-shirt underneath my jacket and some quiet gray jeans- and fit my glasses on my face before grabbing my car keys and heading out. It's not as cold as it was last night, which is a relief. My body is naturally cold enough as it is.

The library is usually pretty busy on Saturdays, as it's the largest building in the whole library branch and everyone likes to spend their free time here, but it's a relief when I arrive at work and see that it really isn't as busy as most days. Just potentially means more chances for me to catch up on sleep.

And I really do almost fall asleep at the desk, just before someone approaches me. "You okay?" he asks.

I look up and rub my eyes, stifling a yawn in the back of my throat. "Sorry," I grumble. "I guess I'm just really tired."

"I know what you mean." He smiles gently and I'm about ready to ask what he actually wants until he opens his mouth and answers my unasked question. "I was wondering where I could find any sort of books on publishing. Like, novel publishing."

I turn to the computer on my right and search through the database before scribbling down the section of the building and what shelf he'll find them on. "You're looking to get published, huh?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says, a bit shyly. "I, ah... I'm a writer. It's a bit stupid, I know, but-"

"Stupid? Kid, you're standing in a library. Which is full of books written by people who were once in the same exact position you're in now. The only thing stupid about anything you've said is calling it stupid." I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Good luck. You'll be looking for the section across the sky bridge, so go up on the second floor and cross there."

"Ah... thank you." He smiles and takes the little index card that contains information with him, a bit more confidence showing in his shoulders as he walks away.

I used to hate everyone. Wouldn't give anybody the time of day. But I've learned to let that go and separate my attitude about my night work from my personality. I'm still bitter as fuck, but I figure I should try my best to assure that others have the best chance at not ending up like me.

Besides, that kid was adorable.

About a half hour later, I see him wandering back, his arms full of books. He places them down on the counter in front of me, nearly falling over from the weight of all of them, and I can't help but chuckle at the sight of him.

"Kid, I _really_ hate to inform you of this, but..." I take my glasses off, wiping smudges off the lenses with my shirt. "...this is just the information desk. The checkout desk is over there." I point all the way across the giant room and I hear him let out a small sigh of defeat. "Hey," I say. "It's fine, kid. I can still check these out for you. First time coming here, I'm guessing?"

"Yeah. I just moved here a few days ago. I should probably actually sign up for a library card first, that might help..." he laughs nervously.

"Sure," I say, sliding him the sign up form. "Where are you moving from?"

"Chicago. But lots of other places, too. I move around a lot." I watch his hand move quickly as he jots down all the required information, almost smiling a bit to myself. I can't help but admit that this guy is undeniably cute.

"Same here," I nod. "Lots of places... What brings you to silly old Ohio though?"

"Some of my friends moved here for college, and I was going to come see them, but also... I dunno, it's nice here."

I snort at that comment. "Stay here long enough and you'll change your mind about that in a heartbeat."

"Trust me," he says as he signs his name at the bottom of the form, "I need some place quiet and seemingly boring."

I shrug in understanding and take the form back, entering the information into the computer. "How do you pronounce your name?" I ask.

"Ah... Eren. Last name Jaeger. Sounds like it should be spelled A-a-r-o-n Y-a-e-g-e-r or something, but it's not. Ah, the joys of being German." He giggles and his cheeks turn red at the realization that I just heard probably the cutest noise in all of existence.

"You're German?" I ask.

"Yeah. Well, half. My dad is full-blooded, my mom's American. I was born in Berlin, though. Like I said... lived in a lot of places."

I finish entering in all his info and then slide a little red card to him, giving him a thin Sharpie. "Just sign your name on the white strip and you're good to go," I tell him. He does exactly that and then I take his card back to scan it, proceeding to scan all his books.

"You're gonna need a bag for these," I laugh. "Here, I've got you covered." I pull out a large bag from underneath the desk and open it up, placing all the books inside. "Aaand, there you go. Easy as that. They're due back in three weeks, but it says so on the receipt so... yeah."

He smiles gratefully, putting his new card in his pocket and taking the bag in his hands. "Thank you so much, really," he says, pushing his hair back with his fingers. "Ah... maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

"Sure thing. I work here every day except Sundays and Mondays." I rub at a small ink mark on the counter with my middle finger, giving up when I know it's not deciding to come off.

"Well, ah... maybe we could get a coffee? Tomorrow, maybe? As long as you're not busy. Er... never mind, I'm just being creepy. Sorry." He bites on his lip and I raise an eyebrow. _Damn, that's... hot._

"No, no, not creepy. You're a brat, you know? Have some more confidence in yourself." I rub my hands together and put my thumbs in my pockets. "I'm not busy tomorrow, no. If it's not too far for you, there's this little European café off Montgomery that I love. It's about thirty minutes from right here, though, so... whatever floats your boat."

"That's not too far. It sounds great. Ah... does two o' clock work for you?"

"Mhm. I'll see you then, I guess." I grin a bit, feeling like an idiot, but I don't care. This kid is cute as hell, and it'd be stupid to pass up a chance with that. Prostitutes never really get a chance for real relationships or friendships, you know.

"Hey, I- I never got your name."

"Levi." I point to my nametag and he laughs quietly, obviously feeling stupid now. "And hey, good luck on the novel."

"Thanks." He turns and walks away, and I can't help myself from watching him as he does.

 _He's just some random cute boy who asked you for coffee,_ I tell myself. _He's just grateful you didn't treat him like a_ complete _idiot. Don't you dare try to turn this into anything it isn't. He probably isn't even gay._

Jesus, am I wrong.

The minute I walk into the café- more like _stumble_ , considering last night's customer- Eren is probably the most flamboyant thing I've ever laid eyes on. He's wearing a scarf, biting on his _perfectly manicured_ nails, and- is that a _John Green_ book he's reading?

I laugh to myself as I walk over, sitting down next to him and try to hide the fact that my walking is horribly messy. "Are you reading what I think you're reading?" I ask.

"What?" he looks up at me and smiles a bit, sliding his bookmark into his book and setting it aside. "Oh, ah... yeah. Maybe. I'm reading _Looking For Alaska_.”

I nod and rub my hands together, taking my gloves off. "It's a good one," I say. "I just didn't take you to be a John Green kind of guy."

"I could say the same thing about you," he chuckles. "I don't know, I've read it three times already. I just... it really hits hard on a lot of things."

I watch him carefully as his eyes scan over the table before meeting mine, making him blush and turn away. _So childish,_ I think to myself. "How old are you anyways?" I question, knowing I must look as if I don't care with how much I'm skipping around subjects. However, if it bothers him, he doesn't show it.

"Twenty-two," he says. "I probably come across younger, though. People say I'm immature."

"Mm. Nah, I figured as much. You look like you're still sixteen. Immature? Maybe." I smirk and look around, realizing we came for coffee but neither of us have decided to get any. "I'm twenty-six. I probably come across older." I hide a short laugh and look down my hands, picking at my nails for no reason.

"A bit. But your height makes up for that." He laughs, and I gasp and step on his toes under the table. " _Ouch!_ I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

"You're a real brat, aren't you?" I huff, crossing my arms and leaning back in my chair. "Did you actually want to get coffee or are you just being cute in hopes of sucking down a different kind of whipped cream latte?"

"W-what?!" he says, obviously alarmed.

"It's a joke, oh my- hey, kid, please don't look like I just killed your dog. It was a joke. A bad one, obviously. I don't have a great sense of humor, sorry."

"No, it... it's funny." He giggles a bit before looking at me and laughing even more. "That's fucking _hilarious_.”

I snort and roll my eyes, leaning across the table. "You don't need to kiss my ass either, you know." I stand up and pat his head a few times (goddamn, that hair is _soft_ ), walking over to order myself tea rather than coffee. Coffee isn't bad, but it's for long nights and college kids trying to stay up to finish an essay. I don't plan on going through another long night on this particular day, and I sure as hell am not a college kid. Never was.

Once I come back, Eren gives me a smile that contains a hint of sarcasm. "Tea?" he says. "Darling, I'm not the queen."

"Not of England, no. Beauty queen, maybe." I hide my idiotic half-grin behind my teacup and watch as his face turns a million shades of pink in a matter of seconds. "Anywho, so you're a writer. Tell me about that. I'm interested."

"I, ah..." He watches me carefully and I know he's internally questioning why I hold my teacup in the manner I do. "...what do you want to know?"

"What kind of stuff do you like to write? What's your novel about?" I set the teacup down and fold my fingers together, resting my chin on top of them.

"Realistic fiction, whatever sparks my mind, really." He sighs and says, "I... I'm a bit weary of giving out details, because you know, plagiarism, stolen ideas, blah blah, but... Basically, it's about a woman with cancer."

"Hm. A little bit cliché there, which isn't necessarily bad, but... what makes it different? Plot wise, character flaws, what goes deeper than just 'a woman with cancer'?" I'm a sucker for reading sad stories, but as someone who's always strived to learn about literature, I always need to know more, ask questions.

"Ah... well, she doesn't want treatment. Nobody with cancer really does, I mean, but... she has a son. And she loves him more than anything. And she's afraid. She's so, so afraid of leaving him behind. And..." He shakes his head, cutting himself off after that.

"And what?" I ask. "As a writer, you should know it's terrible to leave something off with a preposition."

He laughs a bit at that, but I can see some kind of struggle going on behind his eyes. "I, uh... Well, a lot of it, like her dialogue and thoughts are taken from... from my mother's journal."

 _Oh,_ I think. _That can’t be good_.

"Your mother... she's sick, yeah?" I ask, knowing I'm treading on potentially dangerous waters now.

"She passed away from blood cancer when I was ten. Before I went to college, my dad gave me a going-away present. It just looked like a regular journal, and I thought, _that's cool, he knows I want to write_. But, like... the minute I opened it, and I saw her handwriting, I knew what it was. I haven't let go of it since." He sighs and pulls up his sleeve, extending his arm out to me. "I got this tattooed on me last spring."

In simple but elegant cursive writing is the sentence, "You already carry me with you wherever you go, and know that as long as love is in your heart, I will be, too."

"That's... that's lovely," I say, not sure how else to respond on such a sensitive subject. "Do you mind if I-"

"Sure," he says, finishing the question for me. I run my fingers lightly over the words, absorbing each line in through my skin and letting it flow through my veins as I slowly move to the next. I finally pull my hand away, and he rolls his sleeve back down.

"I'm sorry," I say. "She sounds wonderful."

"She was." He bites his lip and looks down again before shaking his head. "But it's all good! I'm just at a point now that's rather tough to write, and I guess I'm going through writer's block. Which, by the way, sucks major ass."

I laugh and take another sip of my tea. "Sounds like it," I agree with a short nod.

"So, now it's your turn to tell me about your life," he grins. "Is the life of a librarian as _exciting_ as it sounds?"

 _Oh, if only he knew_.

"Sure," I say shortly, trying to think of days to tell the kid my life story without actually telling it all. "I'm surrounded by books all day, it's fucking amazing."

"Is that all you do?" he asks. I hold my breath before shaking my head. "What, do you sell drugs on the side or something? Own an international nuclear weapons cartel?"

"Something of the sort," I say, looking down into my tea. "I would live in the library if I could, though. I mean, why not? It's a hell of a lot better than my shitty apartment."

"Where do you live?" he asks, not taking his focus off of me now.

"Ah... middle of downtown. Like... the bad parts. I'm not a fan of it, but it's all I can get. You?"

"I actually live in Mariemont," he says. "So not really in the city. But their library sucks so that's why I came to the main one."

My lips part a bit and I stare at him, shaking my head. I've been in that town before; he's right, the library is shitty, but the entire town is full of richie-riches. "So... you're pretty set then, huh?"

"Oh, god. It's not actually the huge, pretty part of the town. I live a street over, in the more tired parts. Like... if I cross the bridge, I could be walking right into a drug deal."

"Ah. So you're not pretty set."

"Not really." He laughs and shrugs. "But I don't mind. My family was always used to being short on money so I know how to manage. I shop at Burlington enough to look like I fit in with all the mini-CEOs in that town. Of course... full of white bigoted Republican families, but hey, I try to keep the queer on the down-low."

"Welcome to Ohio," I laugh, almost choking on my tea. "That's how it is almost everywhere. I don't like it, but I really... I've gotta stay here, y'know?"

Eren nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean." He sighs and says, "So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you _don't_ have a girlfriend."

I laugh and shake my head, finishing off the rest of my tea. " _Hell_ no," I say. Putting on a purposely thick lisp, I look him dead in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm the gayest thing you'll ever lay eyes on."

"I doubt that," he replies, smirking. "You might come in as a close second, but I lay my eyes on _myself_ every time I look in the mirror."

We both wait a second before bursting into laughter, trying our best not to be too obnoxiously loud. "I've gotta get a fuckin' coffee," he laughs, almost hiccupping before walking over to the counter and ordering himself a drink.

This kid is real and I like that. He's a brat, sure, but he's cute and down to earth. He reminds me of everything I once wanted to be but never could.

Once he gets back to the table, he plays with stirring his coffee around a bit before actually bothering to drink it. "Will you read it?" he asks quietly.

"What? Read what? What are you-"

"Like, my book. If it ever gets anywhere in life... would you read it?"

"Yeah." I nod, smiling a bit at him. "Yeah, of course. Eren Jaeger, New York Times bestselling author. I can see it now. You'll have a movie made about your life some day, kid."

"Thanks," he says, glancing away. "But that would be one _miserably_ boring movie."

"Boring, hm?" I repeat. "I'm sure that's not the case."

"Oh, trust me, you have no idea how true it is."

"Nah. Hollywood would spice it up, anyways. Have you played by some teen heartthrob, make up things about your love life for a sexier appeal." I bite my lip and say, "Or, you know, unless you think your life is sexy enough already."

"God, no." He looks at me and- _is that a wink I just saw?_ "Maybe soon enough it'll get there, though."

Well, shit. Not only is this kid adorable, he's fucking _hot._ Who told the brat he's allowed to be like that?

"Hm." I fold my arms across my chest, nodding slowly. "I guess you'll just have to wait and see, huh?"

He gnaws on his lip with his canines so hard I'm afraid he's about ready to make it bleed. He pulls his phone out and looks at it, typing something quickly. "Shit, my friends want me home."

"That's fine," I reassure him. "You live with them?"

"Sorta. Ish. It's... complicated." He scratches his forehead and sighs. "I guess I have to go, then. I'm sorry, ah- I'll see you Tuesday, I guess."

"Tuesday?" I question.

"Well, I'll be asking you about some more books and shit. Writers gotta read, too, you know." He pushes his bangs out of his eyes and gives me a little wave. "I'll see you."

And just like that, I knew I was already in trouble. I hadn't even known the guy for a full day and I was already falling for him. Which wouldn't have been bad, considering his mutual flirting with me, but that's the thing about being a sad, fucked up prostitute.

Nobody sticks around once they find out the real you.


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hooray, guess who spent their entire day writing this instead of paying attention to class?  
> Meeee.  
> Hey, we weren't even doing anything important anyways. It's fine. ;) Plus, that just means I'm getting this chapter out an entire week sooner than I was hoping. I'm working hard, hell yeah, hell yeah.  
> Music note: the song Levi and Eren listen to in this chapter is "Library Pictures" by Arctic Monkeys, which is actually what I wanted to originally title this story but didn't. (Because it's not /all/ about the library, guys. c; )  
> Anywho, here it is, chapter two, alive and in the flesh!

From that day on, Eren became like my own personal happy place. He visited me at the library every day that he could, and we started going out together more. But neither of us would admit if we were dating or not. Despite that, every time I see him, I forget whatever disgusting men have touched me and I can only focus on him, the words he speaks, the way his eyes close softly and his fist clenches for a moment when he laughs harder than I knew to be humanly possible. When I'm with him, I feel okay. Life starts to feel better.

Of course, up until I get kicked out of my apartment.

It happens in a flash, like I don't even know what's happening. I thought I paid rent. But according to my shitty landlord, I haven't paid in two months. And now, I have to get my shit out before morning.

I don't have time for tears. I don't have time to question it. I just run around the entire apartment in a panic, throwing all my important shit in a duffel bag and being sure to grab my money, keys, and cigarettes before I dart out the door, scrambling into my car. At this point, I wouldn't be shocked if the son of a bitch got the police on my ass.

I start driving, and before I know it, I'm driving all around downtown, not with a clue of where I'm going. That's the thing about Cincinnati; everything in this goddamn city connects and you never really intend to end up anywhere, you just _do._

I find myself by the riverbank, a cigarette in my hand and stinging in my eyes from both the smoke and the tears that refuse to ever show themselves. As I relentlessly chain-smoke almost ten cigarettes in less than an hour, all I can think is, _I have no home again. I'm lost. I have to run_.

However, a thought occurs to me. What was it I said to Eren on our first date? About wishing to live in the library if I could?

 _This is it_ , I tell myself. _It's your last chance_.

I stub out my cigarette and head back to my car, giving the river one more glance. It's always been one of my favorite places to go, honestly. Just watching the flow of the water, the steady breeze blowing locks of my hair around my face as I can hear cars pass over the bridges. I feel calm when I'm here. It's quiet, serene.

Once I'm back in my car, refreshed from the two AM wind and the nicotine now rushing through my blood, I drive to the library, thankfully not taking too long due to the scarcity of traffic. I park my car on the street in front of the building and don't bother putting any quarters in the parking meter; the police in these parts of town tend to have more to worry about than unpaid parking spaces.

I gulp and dig around in my duffel bag, snatching out my typical outfit. I crawl into the backseat, shrug off my clothes, and change into the other ones, doing my makeup messily in the rearview mirror. I step out of the car with my coat around my shoulders and begin walking down the street, making sure to look around myself for any cop cars. I slip into the alley next to the library and start running from there until I find a street that looks familiar enough to me. I stand on the street corner once I reach it and simply wait, praying to the god I don’t believe in that somebody will pull up. _Somebody_ has to help me. I need to earn money. I need to _survive._

I’m not sure how long it is that I stand there, holding onto the streetlamp as my legs start to go numb from freezing, but after what feels like forever, a car pulls up. It’s all the same from there, just my typical routine. I end up earning eighty bucks in the end of it all, and I make it back to my car just before sunrise. It’s Tuesday, therefore the library doesn’t open until nine. I can’t even get _into_ the building yet. I still don’t cry. I keep it together and get changed in the backseat again, wiping the paint off my face just enough to see my real face. My face- tired, worn down, and weighed down heavily with dark circles under my eyes. I don’t know the man that I see in the mirror. I merely see a ghost.

Considering I don’t feel like waiting in my car for three and a half hours before the library opens its doors, I decide to drive a bit more. I haven’t slept at all, and I don’t plan on it. I’ve gone four days without sleep before; this isn’t anything new.

Before I realize it, I’m not downtown anymore, I’m on the highway. In fact, I’m on the same highway that can lead me to Mariemont if I take the right exit. _Would you look at that,_ I think. _I zone out and my subconscious automatically starts taking me to Eren._

The minute I reach the little town, the streets lined with perfect landscaping and gorgeous Victorian-style houses that all sit on crisp, green lawns, I realize I have no idea where Eren actually lives. I pull into the parking lot of some bank and dial his number, one of the few phone numbers I’ve ever actually saved into my phone.

He picks up on the sixth ring, and I realize that calling him before eight in the morning probably is the rudest idea I’ve ever come up with. Still, I can’t help but think about how _amazing_ his voice is when he’s just woken up, groggy but still adorable as he mumbles a “hello?”

“Eren,” I say, putting my head down on the steering wheel and closing my eyes. “Eren, I… I don’t know what I’m doing. But I… can I come over?”

“What?”

“Can I come over? Like, to your house?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie, feeling a pain in my chest as I say it. “Well, actually- yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine, I just… I really need to see you. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” he says quietly. “But you need my address, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I live off Simpson, it’s a little brick house on the corner. You’ll see my car in front of it.”

“Great. I’ll be there in five.”

“Five?”

“I’m sort of… already in your town,” I say, blowing air from my nose in a form of tired laugh.

“Okay, well… just… if I answer the door in my underwear, don’t be alarmed. I’m still in bed. You should be too, silly.” I can almost hear him smile through the phone and I can’t help but do the same. “See you, then.”

“See you.” I hang up and put the car back into drive, pulling out of the lot and starting to drive around the block. It really doesn’t take that long to find his street- I was only a street over, as it turned out- and I start searching for a brick house with his silver Venture out front. I almost let out a happy cry of relief when I do come across it, parking happily in his driveway and nearly running up to his door, using enough self restraint to keep myself from breaking the door with my fist as I knock on it.

He was right- he’s still most _definitely_ in his underwear. “Hey,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “Come in, sit wherever. Do you want coffee? I don’t have tea, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t worry about it.” I hug him and he stumbles back a bit at the new weight on him, taking a disoriented moment before wrapping his arms back around my torso. “What’s got you being so lovey-dovey?”

“I’m just so happy to see you,” I say. “You really… have no idea.”

He motions for me to sit down on the couch and I do, but only after he flops down on it first. “What made you get up at the crack of dawn just to”-he’s interrupted by a yawn-“see me?”

“I was already up,” I shrug. “I… had time to kill before work starts. Doors open at nine, my shift doesn’t start ‘til eleven, so… yeah.”

“Why were you already up?”

I feel my stomach squirm a bit but I sigh it off, waving my hand. “I have trouble sleeping a lot. Don’t worry about it. I used to have to take medicine for it, but I… don’t anymore.”

“If you need it again, maybe you should see your doctor, yeah?” Eren’s voice is full of concern and he reaches up to wipe at my face with his thumb. “Sorry. It looked like you had makeup or something smudged.”

 _Shit, apparently I didn’t get it all off._ “Ah… where’s your bathroom at?” I ask.

“Right through there,” he says, pointing to a doorway at the end of the room. I nod and escape into the bathroom, inspecting my reflection in the mirror closely. I make the best out of warm water and hand soap to scrub the rest of the shit off my face, washing my hair out in the sink a bit while I’m at it. That guy last night showed _no_ mercy when it came to using his dick.

I sigh and press my forehead against the cold glass for a minute, then I come back to reality and shake the water from my hair and face. I walk back out into the living room, where Eren has passed out on his couch again. I don’t blame the poor guy; it was uncalled for of me to call him before roosters even crowed.

I sit next to him, being sure not to wake him up, and pull the small throw blanket over him; it's too cold for him to go without it. I can't help but admire how peaceful he looks while sleeping- his eyelids fluttering quietly with every breath, his chest moving up and down in the littlest ways. My eyes travel down and glue themselves to Eren's stomach, toned ridges in his tan skin to prove to me that _yeah, oh my god, he has abs._

I don't know where we're at in our relationship, if that's even an appropriate word to be using. What I do know is he is the closest thing to a friend I've ever had, and never in my life have I ever been so grateful for someone. In just the two weeks I've known him, it could be easy to say I've learned almost everything about him; once he's comfortable with someone, he's an open book.

Often times, I'll end up finding myself staring at Eren's lips as he talks, daydreaming about who knows what as they move. Sometimes he'll even catch me on it. "Staring at my mouth again?" he'll say, stopping whatever he was talking about mid-sentence just to ask. And every time, I merely shrug and shift my glance away, shaking my head with a mumbled, "You're a shitty brat."

I don't give him that nickname to be condescending. He really is one giant five year old in a twenty-two year old's body. And something about the cheesy grin he gives me upon hearing it each time tells me he doesn't mind it much, either.

In all honesty, I'll admit that yes, I do like him. I want to kiss those soft lips of his, I want to hold his hand in mine, I want to do shitty stereotypical things that couples are supposed to do. But I know that can never happen. He's full of life and brightness, and that can never combine well with a dark, pessimistic _prostitute,_ of all things. I don't know how I've been able to keep it from him this long. I almost feel bad, but maybe it's a good thing.

He suddenly shifts his body around and his arms wraps around me, murmuring something unintelligible in his sleep. I look down at him and slowly run my fingers through his hair, something that seems to calm both him and me simultaneously. “Levi...” he mumbles, and I raise an eyebrow at hearing it. _Is he talking to me or dreaming of me?_

“Yeah, Eren?” I whisper.

“...stay.”

 _Stay?_ I wonder, but I just nod and make an affirming sound. “I’m right here, Eren. I’m not going anywhere.” _Not that I could even if I tried._

“...jus’... don’t leave...” He shivers and I pull the blanket around him more, pulling him in to my chest.

“I’m not going to leave,” I say. “I promise.” I rub my hands over his arms to try and warm him up, but then I realize: he’s not shivering because he’s cold. He’s shaking. “Hey, hey, why are you shaking? What’s wrong?”

His eyes shoot open and he looks at me, tears forming on the surface. “I’m... n-nothing. It was just a bad dream. I have them a lot. Don’t worry about it.” He notices that I’m holding him tightly and I let go, wondering if he doesn’t want me to. “Why’d you let go?” he asks after that.

“I didn’t know if you wanted my arms around you like that.”

“Trust me,” he says, “it’s not a problem with me whatsoever.” I study him for a bit before pulling him back into my arms, hugging him to me once more. He snuggles into my shirt happily, but I don't think he understands how calm it makes me as well. "Eren," I say after a quiet minute or two, "what were you dreaming about?"

"I told you, don't worry about it."

"It's hard not to when you were saying things like 'stay, don't leave'." I furrow my eyebrows and squint my eyes at him. "You don't _have_ to tell me, but I really wish you would."

Eren sighs and shakes his head, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "It's nothing. Just... you know, stupid things. Family things. I'm pretty stressed that Thanksgiving is literally in only two days."

_Shit, I completely forgot about Thanksgiving._

"Are you going to see your dad?" I ask.

"No. He... he's in Berlin right now, I haven't talked to him in a long time. I'm probably just gonna hang out here."

"Are your friends going to be with you, then?"

"Mikasa probably is. Armin's going to be with his grandfather, though." He looks at me again and almost smiles. "You should come, too."

"Maybe I will," I nod. "I haven't had Thanksgiving with anyone in... hell, probably since I was a really little kid." It makes me regretful to think about it, but I try to ignore that.

"Why?" he asks, nonchalantly putting his hands on my waist.

"Ah... it's complicated," I squirm. "Long story short... I haven't had a permanent home in a long time. For the holidays, I usually spent it alone or with... strangers." _Yeah, strangers who crave a little Thanksgiving fuck_. "But it's fine. Because now you've invited me this year and that really means a lot to me."

Eren nods and moves around on the couch for a bit, still yawning. I can’t resist from smiling at it, but he sees, and he immediately shuts his mouth. “What are you grinning at, shorty?”

“Hey, shut up,” I say, shoving his shoulder but not all that hard. “I’m not grinning at anything. I just... you know, why not?”

“Because you’re not typically one to smile for no reason, idiot.” He shoves me right back and shakes his head, snickering. “I think I know your seeecreet~”

My heart stops for a moment but I try to play it cool, running fingers through my messy hair. “And what would that be, exactly?”

He giggles and gets up, shrugging. “You tell me.” He stretches his arms and legs out before him as he stands, squeaking a bit. Stop that, stop being cute, you little shit. “I’m going to make toast. Do you want toast? It’s considered fine cuisine in this household.”

“Nah,” I say, but I follow him to the kitchen anyways. He puts two pieces of bread in the toaster and starts up the coffee pot, hopping up to sit on the counter. “Hey, no fair. Now you’re even taller than me.”

“There’s room,” he laughs, wiggling around a bit. I roll my eyes and decide to sit on the counter with him, my fingers brushing his on accident. “Sorry,” I say, biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from blushing in embarrassment.

“It’s cool.” He sighs and leans his head back against the cabinet above him, closing his eyes. “Do you think when you go back downtown to the library, you could take me with you?”

“Uh... sure,” I say. “I just have to warn you of one thing.”

“Yeah?”

“My entire car is filled with the shitty smell of cigarette smoke.”

He shakes his head, smiling a bit. “I don’t mind it,” he says. “I know a lot of people hate it, but... it doesn’t bother me. It sorta reminds me of my parents, actually.”

“How so?”

“Well, see, growing up, I’d always wake up and come downstairs to see my dad smoking at the breakfast table. My mom would be cooking and sometimes even shared a cigarette with him. They were in love then. Happy.” He chews his lip to pieces and I have to keep myself from reaching over and getting his lip out of the middle of his teeth. “I don’t know. Happy memories connected with certain things, you know?”

“Of course,” I nod. “We all have little things like that.”

He’s about ready to say something else, but he’s interrupted by the toaster popping up, which apparently scares him half to death, as he lets out a small shriek and nearly falls off the counter. “Careful!” I say, but that only makes him burst into laughter, falling completely to the tile floor. God, his laugh sounds even better than any song I’ve ever listened to. “You’re a brat,” I say, shaking my head and crouching down beside him on the floor. “I feel like I’m taking care of an eight-year-old.”

“Hey!” he exclaims. “I’m eight and a half, for your information!”

I take him by his hands and drag him up off the floor, messing his hair up on purpose. “Brat, brat, bratty McBrat-brat,” I sing at him.

“Oh, shut up, old man.”

“I’m only four years older than you!”

“Yeah, and also four inches shorter. So who’s the real winner here?”

I flick his nose and he flicks my forehead, and soon enough, we’re in the middle of a childish slap-fight, completely forgetting that his toast is still sitting in the toaster. “Loser!” “Dork!” “Nerd!” “Idiot!” “Stop being so dumb!” “You stop being so stupid!” “You stop being so cute!” “What?!” Our spat stops and Eren looks at me, tilting his head to the side.

“I mean, I was just-”

“Did you just call me cute?” he says in one rushed breath.

“Um.” I shrug and open the cabinet, pulling a plate out. “Eat your toast before it gets completely cold, would you?”

“You called me cute.”

“Did I? I recall calling you loser, nerd, and dumb.”

“Cute was in there too. Definitely.”

“Maybe you’re hearing things.” I cross my arms and lean back against the wall, scolding myself internally for letting that slip out.

“That’s a shame,” he sighs. “I was really hoping you’d find this hot bod totally cute.” He licks his fingertip and touches it to his thigh, making a sizzling sound.

“You’re an idiot.”

“But apparently a cute one.”

“Can we just drop this?”

“Definitely not.” He smirks and pulls a jar of strawberry jam from the fridge, smothering it all over the toast. He takes a bite rather matter-of-factly and pours his coffee into a blue mug, drowning it in sugar and cream.

“Would you like some coffee with your sugar?” I say sarcastically.

“Dunno. Would you like some sugar with your kiss?”

“Wh-?” But I don’t even have a time to finish my word before Eren’s kissing me, his coffee mug still in his hand. It’s not an overly love-y kiss, not with much passion or statement, but he’s still kissing me, and I can’t even process what’s happening to me currently. He finally pulls out of it and turns away from me, taking a sip of his coffee as he grabs his plate and heads to the dining room.

“Did you seriously-”

“Yes,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Now shut up and share this toast with me. I shouldn’t have made two pieces.”

“So, you like me.”

He nearly spits out his coffee and stares at me, absolutely dumbfounded. _"No,_ I totally don’t. I just kissed you literally for kicks and giggles. Yeah, I like you. That’s normally what it means when somebody likes to go out on dates with someone else more than once.”

“I didn’t realize that you...” I scratch at the nape of my neck, blinking slowly. “...I didn’t think you actually liked me like that.”

“What, is it a bad thing?” I can tell that he’s suddenly scrambling on the inside to take it back, as I see him hold his breath in his chest. “If you don’t, you know, feel the same way, then... I’m sorry. I probably should’ve... asked first.”

“No, no, no,” I say. “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I just... really wasn’t expecting that.”

“I guess I should give you a real warning next time, then.” Next time?

“I, uh... yeah. Yeah, I guess so.”

He downs the rest of his coffee and picks at the crust on his other piece of toast, sighing. “What time do you have to be at work?”

“Eleven,” I say, still trying to shake the shock of what he just did. I’m not shocked at the fact it was a kiss, necessarily- I’m a goddamned prostitute for a living. But what is shocking is the fact that he actually likes me. It’s been forever since somebody ever genuinely cared about me, or kissed me for a purpose that wasn’t purely for their own pleasure and my income. I just can’t exactly process the fact that somebody cares for once.

“You think we can leave at ten and get a coffee from Starbucks before you go in?”

“Why do you need another coffee? You just had one.”

“So? I know, I know. Coffee is literally going to be the end of me.” He puts the dishes in the sink, throwing away the extra piece of toast that I’m obviously not going to eat anytime soon. “Just make sure in my obituary, they write ‘Eren Jaeger: the most committed coffee lover out there.’”

“It’s the things we love most that kill us in the end,” I say, laughing although that quote holds real meaning to me. He stares at me for a second, absorbing the words I just said before nodding.

“Yeah,” he says, brushing his hair from his eyes. “Yeah.” As I watch his eyes lock on me, I can see through them and I know he’s engraving those words into his memory. That’s Eren’s brain: always working, always remembering little details and words that stand out to him. His mind is beautiful.

“Come on, pretty boy. Put on some clothes,” I sigh.

“I’m actually going to take a shower. So, like... you can just chill out here. Do whatever. Just- do me a favor and don’t bother anything upstairs, okay? You can go in there, just... don’t mess with anything.”

“You know I won’t.”

“Okay.” He nods and heads off to the bathroom, and I wait until I hear the water turn on before curiously venturing up the stairs. There are two doors on either side of the hallway, one of which is open, and the other being closed except for a tiny crack. The open room is simply a guest room from the looks of it, with two surprisingly well-made beds lining each wall. I figure it’s for when his friends Armin and Mikasa are over and shrug, not finding anything too interesting in there besides the fact it’s actually cleaned well.

I turn to the other door and push it open a bit, and my eyes are greeted with a room that is the exact opposite of clean. There’s a dual-monitor computer on a black desk, with what looks like a million different Word documents scattered on the desktop. Aside from the computer, there is a white board hanging on one wall, with different notes and messages scrawled in dry erase marker. Most of it is illegible for me to read. There’s also a cork billboard on the opposite wall, with various papers, receipts, and Post-It notes pinned to it. That wall additionally bears a large map of the world, with pieces of string connecting to different areas of the world. I notice England, Germany, Canada, and a million different states in the U.S.

The last thing my eyes land on is a small black journal held open by a paperweight, the handwriting inside matching the one from Eren’s tattoo. _This is his mother’s journal,_ I think. I don’t touch it; Eren said not to mess with anything and I promised I wouldn’t. However, I still decide to read the words that are visible on the page.

 _April 3rd, 2000_  
 _Grisha says we’re moving again, sometime in May. I told him I don’t think it’s a good idea, but he insisted, so that’s that._  
 _In other news, I’m starting to feel sick again. I’m not telling Grisha, though; I don’t want him to worry about it. I don’t want to go back on chemo. And, besides, Eren loves to play with my hair and braid it when he gets home from school. I don’t want to take that away from him._  
 _Eren saw me fall earlier this morning. Grisha had already gone to work. The pain is starting to get really unbearable but I have to push through._  
 _I have to be there for Eren._  
-

I hold my breath upon reading every word, starting to relentlessly bite at my cuticles until one starts to bleed. Eren’s mother sounds like she was tough as nails; he definitely gets his persistent, “I’m not giving up” attitude from her.

I notice a white slip poking out between the last page and the back cover, and I pull it out, finding it to be the back of a photograph. I turn the picture over and stare at it, immediately recognizing who it must be. In the front is a small brown-haired boy, missing two of his front teeth as he grins at the camera. Behind him is a woman who looks fragile yet simultaneously strong, smiling weakly. Her skin is pale and her hair is in a long, messy braid over one shoulder. And they both have the same beautiful eyes.

It’s Eren and his mother.

I hear the water downstairs shut off and I scramble to put the photo back in the journal the way it was, walking out of the room and shutting the door behind me. I make it downstairs before Eren leaves the bathroom, and when he does, I’m quick to comment on how having his hair wet makes him look like a dog. He merely smiles and shakes his hair out everywhere, splashing water droplets in my face.

“Brat,” I mumble, although I only end up laughing. “Please put some clothes on.”

“Why? Too hot for you?” he teases, winking at me. For a second, he acts as if he’s going to literally _drop his towel,_ and I have to keep my face from turning apple red. “I’m kidding around, Levi,” he smirks, slapping my arm. He walks into his bedroom to get changed and I simply sit on the couch, my thoughts reverting back to that picture of him and his mother. He was so little then, so innocent. My chest almost aches at the thought that the Eren in that picture never realized that soon, his mother was going to leave him permanently.

Death is a strange thing.

Eren emerges from his room moments later but I hear him walk into the bathroom again and I sigh, sprawling out further on the couch. My lack of sleep is just now starting to hit me in the face, and although I’ve managed perfectly fine like this before, I still feel like I’m ready to fall face-first onto the floor. I start drifting off to sleep slowly before Eren comes out into the living room again, and I jolt awake once more. I immediately stare at him, raising my eyebrows. “Is that eyeliner?”

He smirks and sits down next to me, nodding. He’s wearing a silver earring in one ear, all black except for the gray beanie on his head, and black nails to match his eyeliner and clothing. He looks like a teenager going through his emo phase.

“I’m going to start calling you Gerard Way,” I snort. I’ve never really listened to any sort of bands like that, but at least I know the names of some band members.

“Great. He’s pretty hot.”

“What happened to that whole soft hipster look?”

“I’m still that soft hipster,” he says. “I just wear this once in a while. And sometimes I wear pajamas all day. Sometimes I wear nothing but lingerie around the house. Some days I dress like I have money. It’s just clothing. I like everything.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that middle one?”

“Pajamas?”

“No. After that.”

“Lingerie?” He bites his lip and nods. “Not all the time, though. If you ever catch me, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event.”

“I bet you look totally classy in that.”

“Hell yeah I do. Not like a prostitute or anything, don’t worry.” He laughs, but I suddenly feel like he just stabbed me. He doesn’t notice my suddenly pained expression, and I’m somewhat grateful, but at the same time, I want to punch a wall.

“Uhm, anyways, so we should probably head out soon,” I say quickly, not bothering to even comment on what he said.

“All right. Taking your car, right?”

“Yeah.” I walk over to the door but Eren stops me by tugging on my wrist, and I force myself to look him in the eyes.

“Hey. You’re acting a little different now. I’m sorry if I offended you somehow by saying that, or something else I might’ve said. Really, I’m sorry.” He sighs and purses his lips, looking down at his Converse. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” His apology makes me feel a bit better and I fluff his hair again. “Really, I’m fine.”

“That’s good.” He puts his fingers under my chin and goes in to kiss me, but merely places his lips on my cheek only. “Let’s go.”

For the first few minutes in the car, it’s quiet, but he starts digging through my small collection of CDs and pulls out one of my favorites. “Holy shit. You like Arctic Monkeys?” he asks excitedly.

“Hell yes. They’re great. You can put it in if you want,” I say, motioning to the CD player. He slides the disk in and skips to track six, immediately starting to sing along when the vocals start.

“Library pictures of the quickening canoe / The first of its kind to get to the moon / Trust some ellipses to chase you ‘round the room / Through curly straws and metaphors and goo!” His voice isn’t bad at all- in fact, it’s actually _really_ pleasant to listen to, and I roll down my window a bit as I light a cigarette between my teeth. He dances around in his seat as the guitar bit plays and I can’t help but laugh at the cute sight, a puff of smoke blowing out of my mouth promptly. I flick some ash out my window and start mouthing the rest of the song with him as we make our way down the highway, my fingers tapping against the steering wheel the whole time. When the song finishes, I smile at Eren and throw the butt of my cigarette out the window, keeping the window down so my hair can flutter in the wind. “Jesus, it’s cold!” he exclaims.

“Oh, shush, princess. You’re wearing a jacket _and_ your body heat is enough to warm the entire country of Ecuador. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“How aren’t you cold?”

“Oh, I am. It’s fucking freezing.” I shrug my shoulders and look straight ahead, slowing down as a car swerves around us. “But I like the cold, just as long as I know I can control it.”

“Control it?”

“Like, I can roll my window back up if it ever gets too cold.”

“Well, yeah, but… you say it like you haven’t been able to do that before.”

I sigh and shift around in my seat, readjusting my hands on the wheel after putting my window back up. “Eren, you do know I’ve spent a lot of my life sleeping on park benches, right? I’m used to being in the cold, even below-zero-degree weather. I’ve been in the hospital for hypothermia before. It’s shitty, yeah, but… now at least I have somewhere.” I bite my tongue, reminding myself that I don’t have a _real_ place of living anymore, but yes, I still have _some_ place.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. And I’m fine now anyways.”

“I know. But still. It sucks that you had to live like that before.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I reply. And once again, we’re quiet.


	3. three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated tags majorly for this chapter! ^^  
> Personally, I really like writing this story. I don't know how y'all feel about it, but I really like doing this. Anyways.  
> Lots of dialogue in this, and it's a bit shorter than the other two chapters! But no worries, I think you guys might like this. Maybe. Who knows.

The library's quiet once we arrive. I clock in, grabbing my name badge and giving a short wave to Hanji behind the front desk.  
  
"Who's this?" she pipes up, her ever-cheery nature showing through again.  
  
"A friend," I grumble. Hanji's nice, but she never ceases to constantly get involved with business which she holds no part in. Eren smiles and greets her before I pull him over to my area of the library by his arm.  
  
"Were you wanting to read anything today or just follow me to work?" I ask. It's a genuine question, but it comes out harsher than intended.  
  
"Well, yeah, I always want to read," he laughs. "But I don't know of any good books to read." He smiles and props his elbows up on the desk in front of me, peering at me with his emerald eyes.  
  
"Trust me, asking me for personal book recommendations is a _terrible_ idea," I say, shaking my head. "My own taste is just full of absolutely fucked up books by fucked up authors."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"I read _American Psycho_ and loved it, for example," I shrug. "And the novel is even worse than the Christian Bale movie."  
  
"Ah. Okay. Um... anything less morbid?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You're a mystery to me."  
  
"Maybe I want to be." I bite my lip and try not to think about all the secrets I'm currently hiding from him.  
  
"And maybe I want to figure you out."   
  
I push my hair back out of my eyes, tapping my other fingers on the desk as he smiles shyly at me. Our little moment of connection is interrupted when Hanji yells, "Leeeeeeviiiiii!~"  
  
"Jesus Christ," I mutter as she walks over. "Hanji Zoe, you work in a goddamn _library_. Stop screaming before you get fired, you're the only person here aside from Mike I can _somewhat_ put up with."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," she giggles. "You have to go reorganize the teen section."  
  
"Ugh, _why?"_ I groan.  
  
"Auruo isn't here today. You're the only other person who will."  
  
"Ugh. If any teenager so much as sets foot within three yards of me, somebody's going to have a broken arm." I grab Eren and take him up the stairs, walking until we reach the YA section. I grumble to myself and start reordering all the books on the shelves, Eren leaning against the shelf and watching me.  
  
"You're a happy camper," he laughs sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up," I say, rolling my eyes. "Hanji is one of my only friends and she annoys the shit out of me."  
  
"As I can see." Eren crouches down next to me, looking over all the spines of the novels, grazing a few with his fingertips. "I've read almost all of these," he says quietly.  
  
"All?"  
  
" _Almost_ all," he repeats. "I'm a relatively fast reader, so I've read a lot. I just wish I was a fast writer." He chuckles a bit at his own comment, then gets quiet again as he leans back, his head pressing against the shelf behind him.  
  
"Just take your time. The best things are always the ones that take forever to obtain," I advise. "Nobody's telling you you have to get published right now."  
  
"Yeah," he agrees quietly.  
  
I finish organizing the books on that shelf and sigh, shaking my head. "I don't feel like doing this," I declare.  
  
"Then what _do_ you feel like doing?" Eren asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Don't know. Something a little less boring."  
  
"I can help with that."  
  
"Pervert."  
  
"Hey, how do you even know if I was talking about that? Who's the _real_ pervert here?" He smirks deviously and I want to slap him right across that cute face of his.  
  
"Shut up," I mumble. I go back to staring at the somewhat disorganized books and mutter something about Auruo being able to do it once he's back at work, and once again, I'm dragging Eren with me. We walk to the sky bridge and I watch as he stops in his tracks to look out the window at the street below.  
  
"We're pretty high up," he says.  
  
"We're only on the second story," I scoff. "It's not that high."  
  
"Looks higher."  
  
"Because we are standing directly above the _street_ and that's what fear does. Exaggerates things."  
  
Eren laughs and keeps walking until we reach a quiet reading area, sitting down in a chair concealed behind a bookshelf. "You've said a lot of smart things," he says.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean? Do I look like I would say stupid shit?"  
  
"What? No! No, that's not what I mean." He huffs and explains, "I just like it when you say stuff like that. It's... memorable, a lot of your quotes."  
  
"Quotes? That makes me sound like some historical figure. I just say whatever pops into my head," I shrug.  
  
"Well, I like your mind." Eren's mouth turns up into a quiet smile and he reaches out for me, pulling me down to squeeze into the chair with him. "Tell me a story." His voice is like that of a child's, innocent and curious.  
  
"About what?" I question, playing along with him.  
  
"About... anything, really." He looks down at our hands and puts them together, rubbing his thumb softly over the back of my pale hand. "Preferably something about you."  
  
Something about me. Right. _What am I supposed to tell him?_ I'm silent for a long while, simply thinking until something finally comes to mind. I speak softly and slowly, my fingers running through his hair as I do so. "Once, there was a boy. And... he was a very lonely boy, really. He didn't know his real parents and his foster home really... it wasn't a great place for him to be. And so, one day, on his thirteenth birthday... he ran away." Eren stirs a bit, but he moves closer into my arms. I can't see his expression. "And he was cold. He didn't know where he was going, but he needed to be anywhere that wasn't _there_. He didn't have a coat, no belongings, simply twenty bucks and the clothes on his back. And he walked all the way from his little remote town in Arizona until he got picked up. And life was like that for a whole year. Simply traveling around with whoever he could find. By the time he was fourteen, he ended up in Indianapolis. He'd lived in multiple cities, never staying longer than three days. And once he got to Indiana... He found a home."  
  
I feel Eren smile against my chest and I sigh quietly. He doesn't know the worst of it.  
  
"His home was with a whole bunch of people just like him. Runaways, abandoned kids, people who just never found themselves in the first place. But the thing is, they were all troubled. And this boy... he lost himself. He picked up bad habits. He did things that made him cry every time, but he couldn't stop. It was the only way he could survive." I take a deep breath, but it's shaky as I exhale. "Eventually he moved again. Got to Cincinnati. Those habits followed him. But he got better. Left most of them behind. Joined a library. Got happier... Met someone."  
  
Eren looks at me and puts his hand on my face. "Whatever it is that's happened to you, whatever you've been through or what you're going through... I'll be here. Always."  
  
I bite my lip and nod, pressing my forehead to his. "I might tell you one day," I whisper. "It's just hard to."  
  
"I understand," Eren nods. "But you don't have to worry. I promise." He raises my hand to his mouth and kisses it softly, holding me close to him. "You're the first person I've ever been able to connect with in a long time."  
  
I shift our positions on the chair around a bit so I can see his face and I hold it in my hands, his vibrant eyes staring right back into mine. "Same here," I nod, and before I know it, we're kissing. It's different than when he kissed me this morning; that was merely a quick declaration of "I like you". But this, with our lips moving slowly and his body heat spreading through my cold, empty case of a body, it's something more. Something that says "I need you" and "I know" right back at each other. His arm wraps around the back of my neck and my hand flutters down to his waist, holding each other close and never, ever letting go.  
  
"You're a good kisser," I mumble against his lips once we decide to take a break.  
  
"Nowhere near as good as you," he laughs steadily. _That’s only from practicing my habits._  
  
"Well, then... You'll have plenty of practice in the future," I say. He grins and we spend the rest of the hour sitting as close to each other as we can get.

-

Thanksgiving rolls around on Thursday and needless to say, I’m a wreck. Family occasions have never exactly been my cup of tea. Eren constantly refers to Mikasa as his sister, and it wasn’t until recently that I learned why. Apparently, after Eren’s mother died, Mikasa befriended him and they spent most of their time together. She always had more maturity and therefore became like a motherly figure in his life, despite them being only a few months apart in age. To this day, they’ve been inseparable. I just wonder how it’s going to go over at the dinner table when Eren drops the “I'm dating this guy” bomb.

I drive to Eren’s house on Thursday morning- my hair is _decent enough_ , the bathrooms at the library have no spare hairbrushes for the people illegally living in the building- and I’m sure to pick up a bottle of champagne on my way. I’ve gotta show that I’m festive in some way.

Eren greets me at the door and my jaw nearly drops. He’s not in full-out formal wear, but he is dressed nicer than I’ve ever seen. He’s even greased his hair back, and it’s a fitting look for him. “Alex Turner much?” I ask, in referral to how his hair looks just like that of the Arctic Monkeys lead singer. He merely laughs and kisses my cheek, leading me inside. I smell food coming from every which way and I set the champagne bottle down on the table, folding my fingers together.

“Mikasa!” he yells. “Please come here, come here, come here _nooooowwww_.” And suddenly, in the doorway, I finally see who Eren’s drabbled on about for so long. Her black hair is in a bob that cuts just below her jaw and she’s wearing a simple black dress, her posture perfectly straight. “Levi, this is Mikasa.”

Mikasa gives me a once-over with her eyes and nods, her mouth staying in a bit of a frown. “Pleasure,” she says. “Eren, please get that goddamn turkey out of the oven, Jesus Christ, it’s like you’re trying to set the house on fire.”

“Yes, yes, I know, _mother_ ,” he snorts. He looks adorable as he puts on some oven mitts and opens the oven, taking the turkey out and setting it on the stovetop. “Is everything good? Do we have everything?”

“Oh- I forgot to tell you,” Mikasa says to him. I lean back against the wall, watching as they bustle around the kitchen. “Sasha and Connie are coming.”

“ _Sasha?_ ” Eren sighs, sounding rather exasperated. “Damn, we should’ve made three turkeys just for her.”

Mikasa rolls her eyes and moves past him, setting the table for six. “Whoa, whoa, who’s the sixth person that’s coming? _Mikasa?_ ” Eren questions, raising an eyebrow.

“Annie,” she mumbles. Whoever Annie is, Mikasa’s obviously embarrassed just by saying her name. “Thought I told you.”

Eren smiles and nudges me with his elbow as he walks past me, setting the turkey in the middle of the table. “Annie is Mikasa’s girlfriend,” he whispers.

“I heard that!” Mikasa says. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Yes she is.”

“Is not!”

“You guys literally hang out every weekend and you were making out with her on my couch two weeks ago. I’m pretty sure she’s your girlfriend.”

“Shut up,” Mikasa murmurs. She flicks Eren in the cheek as she walks past, going to peek out the window for guests.

“She’s... interesting,” I laugh, not sure exactly of what to say.

“Yeah, she’s always been sorta really high-strung.” Eren shrugs, taking me by surprise when he nonchalantly holds my hand. “She’ll warm up to you, though. Promise.” He smiles and nuzzles my shoulder, kissing my jaw softly just before Mikasa turns back to look at us. “I know you two are dating,” Eren teases again, sticking his tongue out.

“Yeah, and I know you two are too, so I win.”

“What?!”

“It’s obvious. Levi, are you dating Eren?” Mikasa folds her arms across her chest, glaring at me with her dark eyes.

“Euh...” I hesitate, flicking my eyes to Eren and then back at her. “Um- well, see-”

“Okay, yeah, we are,” Eren says. My heart stops for a moment, then beats faster than it ever has before. “Levi is my boyfriend. Kay? Kay.”

“Boy...friend..?” I whisper, but the words linger on my lips, never traveling to anyone else’s ears. It feels strange just to say it. I’ve never been anybody’s boyfriend before, for obvious reasons.

In a few moments’ time, a blonde girl knocks on the door, which Mikasa immediately swings open to let her in. “Annie!” she says, her voice getting high-pitched.

“Hey,” Annie says, moving inside. I see that I’m not the only one feeling drastically underdressed; she’s not wearing anything more than leggings and an oversized sweatshirt with “CINCINNATI BEARCATS” printed across the front of it.

“Annie, you know that’s Eren- and that’s his boyfriend, Levi,” Mikasa says, taking Annie to sit down at the table.

“Aye,” she says with a small nod. I nod back, not feeling so awkward anymore as I sit down across from her. “Sash and Connie coming?”

“Yeah, they’ll be here in a few,” Mikasa responds. Eren moves over and sits down right next to me, kissing my cheek yet again. I think I’m almost starting to like little kisses in random spots better than actual mouth-to-mouth action. Almost.

Once the two that I assume to be Sasha and Connie do arrive, we all dig in, and I understand Eren’s joke about Sasha from earlier. She downs two plates of food in less than eight minutes and doesn’t show any sign of stopping. Somehow, she still has an absolutely skinny figure. Connie’s pretty talkative, but only to Eren. However, I don’t mind it. I like eating in silence; having to be bothered to speak with food still in my mouth is one of my pet peeves.

After a long while of overhearing a million different conversations at once (who knew five people could be so chatty with one another), Eren finally taps his champagne flute with his fork, grabbing everyone’s attention but _especially_ mine. “All right, everyone,” he says, standing up from his chair. “I’ve been waiting to tell everyone this until today. I’ll have to tell Armin when he gets back. Not even Levi knows.” My ears perk up at this. _A secret he’s been hiding from me?_ “As you all know, I’ve been working on a manuscript for my story for the past three years...” He bites his lip, obviously having to physically contain excitement that bubbles at the surface of his mouth. “None of you know about this, but a couple weeks ago I sent a copy of it to twenty different publishing companies.”

I hold my breath. I’m afraid of what he’s going to say. I don’t want him to have been turned down.

“...and on Saturday, an editor from the Simon and Schuster publishing company emailed me back. And they’re interested.” I immediately start clapping, unable to hold my happiness for him back. He smiles and looks down at me, and I see something in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. I don’t know what to consider it. “Of course, they want me to edit it some more. It’s not perfect for publishing. It needs _tons_ of editing work. But... but they want me to send it back to them once I do that, and then... who knows where it’ll go from there?”

I stand up and hug him tightly, pressing my face into his shoulder. _God, he smells so good and he feels like home_. “I’m so proud of you,” I whisper to him. “I can’t wait to read it.”

He wraps an arm around my waist and everyone else claps excitedly as well. “You’ll be the first one to get a copy when it’s in print,” he beams. I feel butterflies in my stomach at his words and it takes everything in me to keep from kissing him right here-

_-oh, fuck it._

I press my lips to his and he’s obviously shocked by the gesture but doesn’t complain, putting his hands on my back. I forget that four other people are sitting at the table because all I can think about it _Eren, Eren, Eren_. “Yeah! Get some!” Connie says, and that finally breaks us apart, Eren bursting into laughter. I chuckle as well, reaching out and touching Eren’s hair. “Holy shit, your hair is hard,” I giggle. “How much hair product did you put in it?”

“Like... all of it,” Eren says with red cheeks, just as giddy as I am. We finally sit back down, his hand still in mine as they hang low below the table. On that note, everyone is much more lively than they were before, even the ever-quiet Annie. It’s impossible _not_ to be happy for Eren.

After dinner, Sasha and Connie return to their house, and Annie takes Mikasa to hers, leaving Eren and me all alone. I help him with cleaning up- and by help, I mean me doing most of the work in under ten minutes as he stares at me saying things like, “how the fuck can you clean so _fast?_ ”- and after that, we crash on his bed. His room is simple, unlike his study upstairs, his walls painted a soft shade of green to go with his eyes.

“So...” I say as we lie there, my head on his chest. “...I’m your boyfriend?”

He laughs, but once he realizes I was genuinely asking, he nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, of course. I mean- unless you don’t want to be, but... yeah, of course you are.”

I sigh happily and curl up on my side, trying not to remember all the clients that my day was filled with last night. Yet, still, the words manage to slip out of my mouth: “I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“What?” he says. “Why?” I scold myself for letting it come out, but I know I can’t just leave it at that.

“Uh... you know, I can’t. Can’t sleep. When I do, it’s never for more than three hours. Ever.”

“Levi, that’s not good,” he says, looking down at me and brushing his fingers over the shorter part of my undercut. “You really need sleep.”

“I know,” I say. “I just... ever since I did _things_ starting when I was sixteen... my sleep has been permanently fucked up. Like I said once before, I used to take sleeping pills, but... I can’t anymore.”

“Can’t?”

“Can’t,” I nod.

“Do you mind elaborating, or am I supposed to assume the worst?”

I shrug and shake my head. “I just can’t afford it anymore. And besides, I stopped taking them after a while even when I could.”

“Why?”

“Because people need drugs and I needed money.” I didn’t mean to say that, but there’s no taking it back now.

“So, you... sold pills?”

“A long time ago. Haven’t done it in probably three or four years now though.” I sigh, hiding my face in his shirt. “I’ve done a lot of things that I regret, Eren. You don’t want to know half of it.”

“Actually, I do.”

“You... really don’t.” I’m quiet, my lip bleeding from biting it so hard. “You’d hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” he says, his hands moving slowly over my back. “Never, ever.”

“You might change your mind about that once I tell you,” I say.

“I won’t,” he promises, and something about his tone makes me believe him. “You can tell me whenever you’re ready.”

I nod slowly, closing my eyes. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” He watches me as I look up at him, moving so that I can reach his lips. I run my thumb over them, absorbing their soft texture before kissing him deeply, really meaning it. I love being here with him. I love sharing the heat of the moment, I love seeing him smile, I love hearing my name on his lips as he whispers it over and over again like his only prayer. I love snaking my hands down his sides and making him shiver, only to warm him back up again with kisses to his neck and sucks on his adam’s apple. I love everything about being here with him. He flips us over and I watch him steadily as we continue kissing, my hands moving underneath his shirt and staying there. This kid is like a goddamn portable heater, I swear. I hold him close to me, and every single part of me that was once cold is warm now, his heat spreading out through every vein like a web. And it’s not until I whisper _"stop"_ that he actually does.

“I’m sorry,” I say, putting a hand on my forehead. “I just... I can’t... do _that_.”  _Not with you, anyways. Not like this._

“I understand,” he says. “Don’t worry about it.” He smiles and kisses my cheek, holding me in his arms. “I just like kissing you.”

“Me too,” I hum, closing my eyes. “Let’s just stay like this, okay?”

“Okay,” he nods, and finally, I sleep.


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO UPDATES IN ONE DAY WOOO  
> Oh lordddddd.  
> changed the rating to explicit for this chapter. uugghhh I can't write smut so I really tried not to but it was necessary. Like...you'll see what I mean.  
> Also there's a teeny part with Eren's POV in this. Hooray, love my Eren baby.
> 
> Music note: "Decode" by Paramore, "Prayer in C" by Lilly Wood, and "Stay" by Rihanna.

December starts off about as pleasant as it can get. Eren and I get closer with each day, and I feel as if the wall he's put up around himself has been almost completely broken down for me. I just wish I could say the same for myself.

I don't have to spend every night at the library, or even in the beds of complete strangers. Eren lets me spend the night at his house a lot. I wouldn't leave if it weren't for the fact that I need to make a living.

I try not to get too carried away when it comes to being with him. A few kisses here and there are all I allow myself; I can't risk losing control and ending up hurting him. Sex is complicated. (I know, I know, _said the prostitute._ )

The minute Eren finds out my birthday is on Christmas, he gets excited. I'm not exactly sure why, he just does. "Now I get to give you double presents," he says constantly. He's the biggest nerd I've ever met, I swear.

As it gets closer and closer to Christmas, he seems to get happier and happier with each bouncing moment. He goes all out when it comes to decorating his entire house, and he makes sure to hang mistletoe in _every single doorway_ so that he has an excuse to kiss me even more than he already tries to.

It's a couple weeks before Christmas when we're sitting on the hood of my car on the riverbank, a cigarette in my mouth and Eren singing along to the loudly playing radio. He finally stops, merely watching me as I continue to inhale and exhale from my cigarette. He glues himself to my waist, snuggling into me as I smoke peacefully, looking down at him and running my fingers through his hair. "Can I try?" he finally asks, just barely audible.

"Try what?" I ask.

"Like... smoking. I know, I know, it's bad for me, bah humbug. But... just wondering." He shrugs and shivers a bit at a ripple of cold wind that blows around us. 

I sigh and stare at the cigarette between my fingers, knowing it's a bad idea. Still, I pull away from him and get him to face me, raising the cigarette to my lips as I watch his facial expression. I run my fingers over his lips before prying them open and pressing our mouths together softly, exhaling smoke as he inhales it. He coughs a bit but doesn't have too much trouble, exhaling a few seconds after holding it in. He bites his lip and grins as the smoke gets blown away from us, two shared breaths simply going to mingle elsewhere in the sky. He curls back up into my side and I stub out my cigarette, flicking it away from us. "Happy?" I ask, chuckling. He nods and I pull him to lie back, watching as he closes his eyes. I stare up at the moon for a bit and then go back to watching him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. It's so simple, so innocent, and yet it isn't in all the same ways.

"I like you a lot," he whispers, his eyelids flicking open.

"I like you a lot too," I reply, our lips only centimeters from grazing against each other.

"I'm glad I met you."

"Yeah, I know," I laugh. "But really... I'm glad too." And it's true. The words feel so right as they leave my mouth, giving me a warm feeling in my chest. He looks at the time on his phone and upon realizing it's nearly midnight, he kisses my cheek and pulls me to hop off the hood of the car. We get back in and turn the radio down, the faint music now being the only noise between us as I start to drive him home.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," he says when we almost reach his town, "Saturday night I'm going to a party. He's not exactly a friend, he's actually a huge douche, but... I'm nicer to him, because his boyfriend died last year. Sounds terrible, I know, but he is an asshole, always has been. Do you want to come?"

"Saturday?" I question. "I'm sorry. I... the library is making me work later that night," I fib. "I'm really sorry, love."

"'Love'?" he asks. "That's new."

"I- euh- shut up!" I laugh but I feel my cheeks heat up. I keep my eyes on the road, the moonlight reflecting on the river down below.

At his house, Mikasa and Annie are upstairs, so we're quiet as we sneak into his room. He lends me a T-shirt and pajama pants to wear, but they're a lot bigger on me than they originally looked. He laughs and picks me up, cuddling and kissing me constantly once we're both lying down.

"I have something I want to give you," I tell him, my fingers toying with his shirt collar. "But... you have to take care of it."

He nods and smiles, awaiting my gift to him. I scramble to the floor and dig around in my jean pockets, my fingers encasing around the item I'm searching for. I walk back over to him and slip underneath the blanket again, telling him to close his eyes. I clasp a necklace around his neck and poke his nose when I'm done, and he immediately looks down at it.

"It's a book quote necklace," I tell him. "It has my favorite quote in it. 'They saw each other; and, like the stars in the sky separated by millions of leagues, they lived by gazing upon each other.' It's from _Les Miserables_." I smile and run my thumb over his cheek, admiring the way I know he's taking in every bit of my gift to him just by examining his face. "I hope you like it. It reminded me of you."

"I love it," he says. "God, I- I love this. Thank you."

And we fall asleep like that, his arms around me possessively and my own body molded into his, willingly letting him keep me.

-

Saturday rolls around finally. I feel bad that I blew Eren off, that I blatantly lied to him, and it's killing me. But I simply suck it up and don't mention it to anyone.

Before I leave, I make sure to call Eren and leave a voicemail, my fingers clenching tightly around my phone. "Hey," I say. "I'm... on break for five minutes, so I figured I'd call you really quick. I'm sorry again about tonight. I really hope you have a good time. Talk to you soon."

Hanji holds me up for a minute, blabbing on about her suspicions that some homeless people in the area might be taking shelter in the library due to the fact that she's found evidence of people being there after hours. I shrug and tell her not to worry unless something gets stolen, and just like that, I'm on my way.

I change clothes and do my regular routine in my car quickly, sighing as I make my way down the alley with my cigarettes in tote. I can't believe I'm standing up my own boyfriend to do this. All in a goddamn day's work.

The cold weather reminds me of my sixteenth birthday, when I was first introduced to things that would "make the pain go away". Drug of choice? Heroin, but of course. I scratch at the tiny faded-over puncture marks all up my arm just thinking about it. My addiction lasted until I was twenty. I've been through it all, honestly. If it exists, I've tried it. Cigarettes are the only thing keeping me off all that nasty shit. That, and Eren.

The thing people don't understand is that they think prostitution as another addiction of mine. When honestly, I hate sex. I hate every part of it; I've never "made love" or had any sort of vanilla experiences. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen to a guy who was teaching me how to "man the fuck up and take it". And, needless to say, that's where it all began.

I break myself out of my thought icebox when a car rolls up next to me on the sidewalk, the window already rolled down. "Charge?"

"Forty per hour," I say, trying to sound enthusiastic as possible. I can't even make myself believe my fake demeanor anymore.

"Get in," he nods, and I do as I'm told. He starts driving quickly, obviously in some sort of rush to get home.

"Where do you live?" I ask as he drives, holding onto the door handle for dear life. His speed has got to be at least ten miles per hour over the speed limit.

"Mariemont," he answers. "I work downtown. That's why I was there. Why I got you."

I nod and gulp, feeling my stomach churn at hearing the name of Eren's town. _Too close for comfort,_ I think. But it's too late now; once a deal is made, I can never back out of it. He tells me he's throwing a party, not to be alarmed if other people are there, but I shrug. If I get other people, just means more money for me. _My brain never makes any sort of fucking connection._

When we finally arrive at his house, my jaw drops. It's _huge_ , probably three times bigger than Eren's house. He unlocks the side door and pulls me through the kitchen, my heels clacking against the kitchen tile. A few people stand around and give the guy strange looks, but a couple merely chuckle and whistle at him. Or me. Or probably both.

He pulls me upstairs to his unnecessarily large bedroom, closing the door but not locking it. He pushes me down on the bed and immediately begins stripping, obviously not caring about how this is done. He just wants to get off; that's all they ever want. He pulls my legs around his waist and I work my magic, my fingers traipsing around his skin. He moans quietly and flips us around, him lying on his back as I straddle his hips. I rub against him a few times before my hand dips below the waistband of his boxers, teasing him with tiny rubs and strokes. "Hurry up already," he grumbles, choking back a moan. I sigh and do as requested, shimmying my underwear off and to the floor. He doesn't bother with condoms, lube, or any prep. Not that I expected him to; that rarely ever happens, but still. I just figured someone with this much money would give a shit about STDs and whatnot.

Once he's situated inside me, I begin riding him, moving my hips back and forth repeatedly as some drunken partygoers downstairs yell excitedly and turn their music up louder. Never mind the fact their friend is with a prostitute.

"Talk dirty, you slut," he hisses at me, and I nod. Keeping my voice steady, I begin groaning out things about his cock and how good he feels. He seems pleased with what I'm saying, so I just keep talking.

And in that moment, I realize that's the worst decision of my life.

As he gets closer and closer to his orgasm, I'm sweating more, and my hearing's starting to drift in and out as I just continue riding the guy. Downstairs, a large group of people yell "JÄGERBOOOMMBBB!" but I brush it off, assuming they're downing drinks.

I hear footsteps in the hallway outside and I choke out an "oh, yeah!" as the client underneath me comes- and suddenly the door flies open.

"O-occupied!" he says, still halfway in a moan.

I stop moving. I freeze, not even caring I'm completely naked. I forget about that. Because all I can focus on is the realization that "jägerbomb" was not in referral to the drink. The group was talking to _Eren Jaeger_.

"What the _FUCK?"_ he exclaims immediately, his voice louder than I've ever heard it before. And oh, god, he's still wearing my necklace.

"Jaeger, get out! I'm a little fucking busy, _Jesus!"_

"Jean, what the literal _fuck_ do you think you're doing with my fucking _boyfriend?"_ Eren fumes, his face blood red.

"Your boyfriend? What are you talking about?" "Jean" throws a blanket over his exposed body as I roll off of him, not facing Eren. I can't. "This is just some prostitute I picked up downtown."

"No, don't give me that shit. _Levi?_ I swear to god, if that's you, I-"

"Who's Levi?" I say, putting on a fake voice. "He's right. I'm just... just a prostitute. Nothing to see here. Whoever your boyfriend is... I don't think a nice kid like you would find yourself with someone like me."

"Don't," he says. "Don't you fucking dare! That's _you_ , it's you, it's fucking you!" He sounds to be on the verge of tears and I stare down at my lap as I put my clothes back on, feeling not just dirty but _contaminated._

"Whatever the fuck is going on with you and the prosty, take it out of my room," Jean tells Eren firmly.

Eren storms out of the room and I whisper a "I have to go" before going to run after him.

"Wait, your money-"

"Forget it!" I scream, tears welling up in my eyes. "Eren!"

Eren spins around in the middle of the hallway, his cheeks stained with tears as they just keep on flowing. "What the _fuck,"_ he whispers. _"What the fuck."_

"I'm not cheating on you," I say, muffling a sob in my throat. "It's not what you think."

"Really? Fucking really? Last time I checked, fucking someone that you're not dating counts as fucking cheating!" he bellows, and I take half a step back. "Is this why you can never do anything more than kiss me? Because you're too fucking busy screwing around with people behind my back?!"

"Are you mad because I won't _fuck you?!"_ I scream right back at him, tears making their way down my cheeks.

"No! That'd be a real fucking dick move. I'm mad because you just had Kirschtein's cock in your ass and didn't have the fucking courtesy to _ever_ mention you like screwing around with _everyone_."

"You think I like this? You think I fucking _want_ to do this?!"

"Don't give me that prostitute bullshit. You're trying to cover your fucking ass-"

"Don't you dare." I shake my head, my lips quivering. "Don't you dare say that. You don't know a goddamn thing about my life."

"Then you should have told me," he says, hiding now at the end of the hall, half his face covered by the shadow of the staircase leading to the third floor above him. "You should have fucking told me when you had the chance."

"What, just say 'hey, by the way, I'm a goddamn prostitute because it's all I can fucking do to survive'? I hate you. I _hate_ you!" I sob, my fingernails digging into my other arm. I don't mean it. I want to take it back. Scream, _no, I don't hate you, don't listen to me, I'm sorry and I was wrong, I love you._ But I can't.

"Great. Good, you do that. Go on and hate me! Maybe I'll just return the fucking feeling!" Eren pushes past me and runs downstairs, and I hear the front door slam, silencing the crowd downstairs. This wasn't how I wanted it to happen. He was never supposed to find out. And not like this.

Not like this.

-

_Eren's POV_

The whole drive back to my house across town, I can't stop crying. I try and try and try, but no matter what I do, I can't burn that godforsaken image out of my mind. _Levi was on top of Jean and it was like some fucking porno and they were both moaning and sweating and-_ oh god, make it stop, _make it stop._

I should've known. I should have seen it coming from a mile away. But no. No, instead, I got to find out in the worst of ways. And now he hates me. _Levi hates me._

I get home and once I see that nobody else is here, I burst into another round of sobs, unable to breathe as I clutch my knees to my chest. I rip my necklace off and throw it across the floor, it landing in the corner. It doesn't break, and I'm not sure whether to be thankful, angry, or indifferent at that. I just keep weeping, unable to do anything else. Finally, I manage to scream out, _"I was falling in love with you!"_ in the direction of the necklace, my throat burning as the words scratch my insides. I want to throw up. I want to _disappear._ This isn't happening. This _can't_ be happening.

I storm upstairs with weak knees and burst into my study, staring at the mess of papers and ideas before me. I walk over to my desk and look at the second printed-out page lying there, mocking me with its words. _To Levi. Thank you for supporting me with this. I love you._ I had originally been planning to have him read it once it's published, maybe be shocked, maybe smile and kiss me with an "I love you too". But that's dead and gone, it's all fucking done for. I take the page in my hand and tear it in half, throwing it on the ground.

 _He hates me, he hates me, he said he hates me, oh_ god.

I fall asleep on the floor with my tears soaking the carpet underneath my face. And when I wake up, I relive the same hell all over again.

-

_Levi's POV_

_I want to set myself on fire, I want the world to burn / I want to lie in the river and dream of my funeral pyre, I'm tired of trying to live and learn._

It's been a while since I've written anything. Probably five years, actually. I stopped for a damn good reason; it's only ever depressing as fuck.

I sit outside the library, staring up at the wintry two AM sky. Snow starts to fall around me and I shiver. I want my coat; I don't remember where I left it. More than likely at that Jean guy's house. _Fuck_ that.

It's been three hours now since I've seen Eren, his face red and blotchy with tears mixed in. I want to hurl at that thought. I fucked it up. I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up. God knows what he's doing now.

I need him. All I want is for him to say, "I don't understand, but I want you to explain now that I know." I want him to hold me and make me feel okay. I thought I stopped being alone and then I _fucked it up._

My phone is dead. My cigarettes have all been smoked up. God knows where the fuck my money's at. I'm completely locked out of the library with no coat and no keys.

I'm going to freeze out here, but at this point, I don't know if it's coming from the weather as much as it is my _heart._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imsosorry  
> DONTLOOKATME


	5. five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of Eren's POV this time!! Still mostly Levi's, but Eren's part offers some more insight into his life. I actually used to rp Eren on a regular basis so writing him comes naturally. Sometimes. I may have gotten ooc. Idk ahahhhh >

_Eren's POV_  
Nearly two weeks have passed since I last saw Levi. He hasn't called, hasn't texted, hasn't knocked on my door asking to love me again. He really meant it when he said he hates me, but only now am I feeling the full effect of what that's like.

Christmas is just around the corner. I can't help but constantly dwell on the fact that Levi's going to spend the holiday, his _birthday,_ alone. I need to call him, show him I still care. But my pride doesn't allow for me to admit that maybe _I_ was in the wrong, and therefore, I live with knowing the fact that he might very well be suffering god-knows-where.

"Eren."

It's four in the morning just a few days before Christmas Eve when Mikasa appears in my study. I never even knew she was in the house. "Eren," she repeats. "You need to go to bed."

"I'm... I'm writing. I'll go to bed when I'm done," I say, wiping tears off my face that I don't want her to see.

"Then why is your computer off? Writing telepathically?" Mikasa sighs when I don't laugh and walks over to me, placing a hand on my back. "Come on. You need to sleep. Please."

"Leave me alone," I groan. "Just... go. Please, leave me be."

Mikasa sits on the edge of my desk and looks down at me, shaking her head. "What happened with you and Levi? I'll kick his ass, I swear to-"

"Nothing." My voice is flat and shows no sign of feeling other than absolute hopelessness. "He didn't do anything. You just know me and my anger. I screw everything over."

"Don't say that, Eren."

"No, no, it's true, and you know it. That's why my dad left and won't talk to me, and that's why-"

"If you say that you're the cause of your mom dying _one more time,_ I'm going to throw you out the window. I'm not fucking kidding."

"It's true."

"She had _cancer_ , Eren. Unless you somehow inserted bad cancer cells into her body, _you are not the reason she died."_ Mikasa is stern and her hand clenches so tightly around the edge of the desk that her knuckles drain of all color, as if she wasn't pale enough already.

"I could have done something more. I should have been a better son."

"Have you even read her journal?" Mikasa picks up the black book off the desk ad holds it high. "Everything in this is _full_ of stuff talking about how much she loved you. How much you did for her when you were only ten years old! She appreciated every ounce of love that you put into taking care of her. You did all you could."

That shuts me up. I go completely silent, staring straight ahead at the blackened screen of my Macintosh. "Your dad keeps calling, by the way," she sighs. "Call him back tomorrow. And get some sleep." With that, she leaves, closing the door across the hall behind her. I fall asleep with my head on the desk, dreading what my father could possibly be calling for.

-

"Dad?" My voice is shaky as I hold the phone, surprised my dad actually answered a call for once. I didn't want to call him back, but after a day full of arguing with Mikasa about it, I finally decided to pull up my big-boy pants and dial his number.

"Eren, it's good to talk to you again," he says, and I can almost hear a _sneer_ in his voice.

"Yeah. Right. Anyways, can we please cut to the chase? Mikasa, Armin, and I are about to have dinner. Make this quick." I tap my foot on my bedroom floor, holding my arm across my chest.

"Of course. You know I'm not one to drone on in conversation." _Yeah, unless you're talking about your big-ass ego._ "I've been wanting to tell you that Christmas Eve, I'm coming back from Berlin and moving into our old house."

"You're moving back to Chicago?"

"Yes. And, here's the thing, Eren... I'd like you to stay with me."

"What?"

"I want you to-"

"No, I heard what you said," I cut him off. "I just don't understand. I'm twenty-two years old, most parents want their kids to move out and stay out."

"Well, yes, but... Eren, I think it'd be best to keep you close to me. You're unstable."

 _"Unstable?"_ I question in a hiss. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Eren, Mikasa has been talking to me. About your recent emotional state. Apparently you've been closing yourself off from others, being more angry and secretive again. Like how your behavior was when you were a teenager." _So Mikasa's the reason my dad's trying to run my life. Of course._ "We're all concerned. We're worried about you, Eren."

"'We'? Who is _'we'?"_

"Me and-"

"Of course it's you. Don't drag anyone else into this, it's all you. It's _always_ about you, Dad."

"Eren, for god's sake, I don't want a repeat of your eleventh grade year!"

I hold my breath and try my best to stay calm at those words. "You think I'm going to try and _kill myself?_ Newsflash, I'm fucking fine! I'm better now! College was great and I'm _okay._ I'm not unstable. My life is great now, and especially since you've been staying out of it! Just fucking keep it that way!"

The other end of the line is quiet for a long time, although I'm not sure how long exactly. "If you'd really prefer to stay in your own little bubble, fine then. Merry Christmas." He hangs up and I throw my phone on the bed in a rage before going out to the dining room to eat with Armin and Mikasa.

"Everything okay?" Mikasa asks when I sit at the table, spooning spaghetti onto my plate.

"Yeah," I breathe. "Everything's fine."

Lying comes far too easily to me.

-

_Levi's POV_

The river is partially frozen over as I stare out at it, holding my knees to my chest. It's Monday, so I'm off today, and it'd look strange to be at the library all day when I don't need to be. I've gotten much better in the past couple of weeks when it comes to hiding the fact I'm living in the library, with really no suspicions ever rising. I managed to buy myself a new coat with the money I'd been saving, and that's what's keeping me warm as I sit outside my car.

My birthday is in three days. I'm going to be twenty-seven goddamn years old and still homeless, still alone, still broken in every possible way. And all I can think about is how _I had a chance to change all that with Eren and I blew it._

I have my bag next to me, filled with all the clothes and makeup I've ever used to prostitute myself out. I play with my cigarette lighter, watching the flame spark again and again until finally, I make up my mind.

I build a little campfire on the ground, surrounding a small pile of sticks I find here and there with stones from the riverbank, it taking a few tries with my lighter before I actually start a fire. I undo the fastenings on my bag slowly, listening to the cracks and pops of the fire as I start to take out each piece of skimpy clothing one by one. I grimace as my fingers touch the cloth, feeling filthier and filthier as I unpack more and more. Once all my clothes are out, I put them in a pile-

-and throw them directly onto the flames.

I'm burning more than clothes. I'm burning the past thirteen years of my life, every single memory and thread that ties me to the idea of what I've had to do to survive. Or at least, what I _believed_ I had to do.

I don't move from my spot until the clothes are nothing more than ash. I throw the bag and makeup into the fire as well, deciding just to leave it be from there. Lighting a cigarette, I get into my car and stare at my phone. _I could call Eren right now. I_ should _call Eren right now. But would it even change anything?_

Only one way to find out.

I leave my phone alone but begin driving to his house. _If he hates me, great, I'll just leave. If he doesn't... what? What happens from there?_ I remind myself that it's unlikely that will happen, but I can't shake the feeling of a million _what if_ s.

I spend nearly ten minutes driving around Eren's block, asking myself _what am I doing, what am I doing, what the fuck am I doing._

But I know exactly why I'm here, and I need to suck it up and get it over with.

When the door opens, it's not Eren. It's a shorter blonde kid who I can only assume to be his friend Armin. "Shit, you're Levi, aren't you?" he whispers. I nod.

"Is Eren home?"

He bites his lip and looks down at the ground, thinking for a minute before turning and yelling over his shoulder, "Mikasa, come to the store with me! It's an emergency!"

She comes downstairs and appears behind him soon enough, her eyes focusing on me and burning at the sight of me. Her protective "older sister" instincts are kicking in, obviously. "Eren!" she calls. "Armin and I are going to the store! Someone is here to see you!"

"Who?" _Oh my god, it's Eren, I can hear his voice in his room and he's okay, he's safe, he's home._

"Just... just come on! Armin and I are leaving!" Mikasa pulls Armin out of the house and walks off the porch, mumbling "good luck" to me. Yeah, I'll need it.

The minute Eren steps into view, he stops in his tracks. I don't know how many minutes pass between us before he finally says, "Levi?"

I hold my breath and nod, scratching the back of my calf with my other foot. "I, uh... I should probably leave, yeah? I'll go."

"No." Eren's voice is stern and demanding, but I don't really mind. It makes me feel _wanted,_ like he's fighting for me. "Why would you come all the way to my house just to say 'I should leave'?"

I shrug and my eyes scan around the living room, not moving from where I stand. "We need to talk," I say.

"I know." He puts his hands in his pockets and glances away from me. "But I... I'm willing to listen." That's all I need to hear. That's all I ever _wanted_ to hear. "Levi, please come inside. You've gotta be freezing."

"You have no idea," I say before stepping inside and shutting the door behind me.

And so, I tell him everything. I tell him about getting fucked by creepy men on a near-nightly basis just to survive. About every single drug I've ever smoked, snorted, or shot up with just to kill the pain. About the times I almost got arrested, or killed, or both at the same time. I tell him about all the abuse I've dealt with, the fights I've gotten into, the millions of times I've dreamt of ending it all. Everything spills out of my mouth so fast that I don't even notice that I'm starting to sob.

He doesn't push me away. He doesn't judge me. When the tears start to fall relentlessly, he takes my face in his hands and wipes them away with his thumbs. _He cares._

When I tell him about burning my clothes at the riverside today, he stops breathing for a second and stares into my eyes. "Are you serious?" he asks quietly. I nod, cupping a hand over my mouth as my body continues to rattle with sobs. "I'm proud of you. That's... oh, Jesus, that's gotta be really fucking hard to do. I don't even... I don't know what to say. I'm just so proud of you, okay? Really. I am. And if you need anything, help with your rent, I can help you, seriously. I want to do anything I can to help."

I shake my head and hide my face in his shoulder, my hand clutching around his shirt. "You can't," I whisper.

"Of course I can! I don't mind it, I feel like I have the need to-"

"No, Eren, I mean you _can't._ There's... there isn't any rent for you to help me with." I wipe my face on his shirt sleeve and look at him, feeling my eyes burn as I choke out, "I live in _the library."_ It's more than embarrassing to admit; it's regretful.

"What?" he whispers. "You mean you... you don't have a home?"

"No," I say silently, biting my lip. "I... I got evicted from my apartment almost two months ago. You're the only one who even knows."

Eren hugs me, combing his fingers through my hair in a soothing manner. "Please stay with me," he says. "I'm not kidding. Stay here, you don't have to worry about anything. We're just two lost kids and we... we need each other, don't we?"

I ponder his words but before I can even say anything, he holds me softly with one hand behind my back and his lips getting closer and closer to mine. "I'm sorry about what I told you before," he says. "I will never, ever leave you again." I close my eyes and he kisses me, his lips soft like pink bubblegum. And like that, he takes my breath away, drawing away all my bad thoughts with it.

"We're more alike than you think," he tells me, and I watch as he folds his fingers against mine. He kisses me again and I fall back to lie down on the couch, Eren hovering over me. My hands feel safe in his, small and icy compared to his much larger, warmer ones. The butterfly-like feeling in my stomach continues to build up even more as he nudges my head to move back, allowing him to plant soft kisses along my jaw and neck. I've never had this much focus on me before; I'm hardwired to think everything revolves around pleasuring clients. But here's Eren, kissing every inch of skin he can get his mouth on, wanting nothing more than to share body heat with me.

And this time, I don't tell him to stop.

He picks me up in his arms and carries me into his room, shoving the door closed with his hips. He lies me down on the bed and crawls over to begin kissing me again, my hands moving around in his hair. He gives me a look that in itself asks, "Is this okay?" and I nod, my eyes scanning over him. I reach up, my fingers fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, but I get the hang of it and unbutton the whole thing quickly, and he shrugs it off, tossing it to the floor. He places his hands under my shirt, warming my entire body up with his touch. I run my own hands over his chest, built and beautifully defined. Everything about him is beautiful.

He pulls my shirt over my head and dips down to kiss all over my chest, making me sigh quietly. Once he reaches my waist, he stops and I hear him gasp, and I bite my lip, knowing exactly what he's found. His fingers brush carefully over the spot and he looks up at me with concern in his eyes. "What happened?" he asks.

"It's a, uh... a bullet wound. That time I told you about, when I wound up in the hospital after nearly getting killed. That's... my little memento," I say, nervous about his thoughts on it. No client has ever given two shits about it, but that's probably also because they're too busy shoving their dick in me to care about what actually happens with me. But Eren is different; Eren cares. Eren _always_ cares.

He kisses it multiple times and then continues, leaving trails of kisses all around my stomach and then circling back up my chest again, his lips latching onto mine for a long while.

Everything he does, he does slowly and patiently. He makes sure I'm comfortable with an eternity of preparation before actually deciding to get into the real deal. And when he does, it's the best thing I've ever felt.

My arm slings around the back of his neck as he kisses mine more, not a single inch of my body left untouched. He moves his hips slowly and carefully, making a quiet moan start to form at the back of my throat. His hands hold my hips gently and he starts to suck on my neck, forming a purplish-red hickey on my skin. There are so many different sensations flowing through my body, and it's definitely better than any ruthless fuck I've had to put up with in the past. _This is what it feels like to love. This is what it should always be, just me and Eren._

It finally gets to the point where I'm approaching the edge, panting silently and repeating Eren's name over and over again like it's the only word I know. He whispers my name in my ear, his hot breath sending a shiver down my spine as it caresses my neck. I replace my moans with his neck and focus completely on him, on us, on everything he whispers to me-

-and when one of those things is "I love you", I look at him and kiss him hard before I'm sent flying over the edge. His name finds its way back onto my lips again in hasty breaths, like a prayer I'm sending out to no one but him.

"I- I love you too," I gasp, louder than I intend for it to be. But he doesn't mind; he soaks up every sound I make with happiness and kisses all over every single mark he's made on my neck. The words I said are true; I love him, I love him, I love him.

After we get cleaned up and I throw on another oversized T-shirt of his and some boxer briefs, he kisses the back of my neck with his arms around my waist as I sit on the edge of his bed, smoking a cigarette. I get the urge to share smoke with him again, so I do, our smoke-filled kiss lasting for a long time. I end up passing the cigarette to him and let him finish it off before disposing of it out the window, then curling up with him in my arms.

"Stay with me," he whispers, eyes piercing into mine.

"I will," I nod. And I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, you know I couldn't bear to keep them angsty for long. (; ♥


	6. six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE'S SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER.  
> Also some important quotes from Levi to remember, but you'll understand what I mean in a future chapter (hopefully 7?).
> 
> isuckatwritingsmutpleasedontjudgeme

Only one things bothers me more than the fact that Christmas is on December 25th. And that's the fact that my birthday is _also_ on December 25th.

I've never been all that festive. I'm sure you can catch on to all the many reasons as to why that is. However, with Eren, it's a completely different story. He seriously does _not_ hold back with the Christmas decorations, but the thing is, he doesn't put them up until Christmas Eve.

"Sorta defeats the purpose, doesn't it?" I ask, holding the stepladder steady as he strings lights around the ceiling. "I mean... tomorrow's Christmas. The point of decorations is to build up shitty anticipation for a shitty holiday."

"Oh, shush," he says, keeping a wire in place with Scotch tape. "I love Christmas. I'm surprised you don't, birthday boy."

"That's exactly _why_ I don't," I groan. "You're the worst."

"Buuuuut you love me."

"Mm, maybe," I say quietly.

Eren rolls his eyes and hops off the ladder, looking at me. "You're dumb," he says, kissing me quickly. "I'm gonna decorate this whole entire house, and there's nothing you can do about it."

He really does. Not one inch of his house goes untouched. Each door gets covered in wrapping paper and an oversized bow, every doorway baring mistletoe. (Although on that last part, I believe it's only an excuse for Eren to use in order to kiss me excessively. I can't say I mind at all.) By nighttime, the whole place looks like something out of a home and garden magazine.

Upon noticing my shocked reaction, Eren smirks and says with a shrug, "I took an interior design class in college. For like, a semester. Didn't get full credit, but I learned how to make a house look hella fuckin' great."

"I didn't realize a one-semester-only interior design class turned you into the spiritual embodiment of Martha Stewart," I snort.

"Shut it, Jesus."

"Why am I Jesus?"

Eren looks at me and walks into his kitchen for a moment before reappearing in the living room, holding a calendar up. "See this?" he says, pointing to the December 25th square. "Your birthday. Coincidentally, Christmas is an originally Christian-celebrated holiday to support Jesus's birthday. You're Jesus."

"If I'm Jesus, why am I going to hell?"

"Nobody's perfect." He laughs and takes the calendar back into the kitchen, and I decide to follow him this time.

"Mikasa and Armin gonna be here tomorrow?"

"Yeah," he nods. "We all got each other presents. Please don't go in my study for that reason."

"Hey, but- you didn't mention that ever. I don't have gifts to give anyone," I say.

"Don't worry about it," he reassures me. "You weren't supposed to."

"But-"

"Shh." Eren kisses me, wrapping an arm around my waist to shut me up properly. "I said, _don't worry."_

After that, he takes me by the hand and leads me outside, paying no mind to the snow on the ground and the fact that neither of us are wearing coats. But I'm used to the cold and his whole body radiates heat equivalent to that of the sun 24/7, so I don't think either of us care too much.

"Where are we going?" I ask, walking quickly by his side.

"A place," he says smugly. We walk past the stop sign until we reach the end if the road, and I scratch the back of my neck in confusion. "The dead end? Why are we-"

"Follow me," he laughs quietly. I can see his breath illuminated by the silently humming streetlights above us and I put my hand in his, which he seems to take rather gladly. He pushes some low-hanging branches on a tree in front of us to the side, revealing a secret cement staircase in the sidewalk. "C'mon," he motions, and we make our way down quickly.

We're greeted with another street, but to my left I see a small creek underneath a tiny bridge. We cross the little bridge and make our way down the grass to the water, sitting beside it in the dark December twilight. Part of the water is half frozen-over, while the other part still moves with the wind current, making soft trickling noises as the water travels down the way. "Not as grand as the whole entire Ohio River," he laughs, "but... still peaceful."

I nod and rest my head on his shoulder, our hands interlocking with so much force that I don't think we could ever be pried apart. "I really do love you," I whisper quietly. "And... the fact you care about me too means so much to me. You don't even... you _can't_ understand, I don't think."

Eren nods and looks down at me, his gaze mingling with the light of a billion stars in the sky. "Maybe not," he agrees, "but I'd like to try and see if I can one day."

We kiss, and warmth spreads through my entire chest. Every time his lips meet mine, nothing else matters. My mind blocks out my past and all the other men who were sadly tangled in it, because in that moment, I'm with Eren and Eren only, and that's all I ever need.

"You know," he says, breaking the silent moment between us after the kiss is over, "you're my inspiration. Like... every day, when things get hard, I just think about you, and that helps me through it. You're the reason I'm pushing myself to do my best on my story. I'm determined, and you're adding fuel to that fire." He laughs and adds, "If only I could figure out a strong beginning to the damn thing."

I smile and inhale his scent, lively and festive and full of aromas like cinnamon and excessive amounts of sugar. "It makes me happy to hear that," I nod. "I honestly can't wait to read it when it's in print."

Eren pushes hair from my eyes and kisses my forehead in grateful acknowledgment of what I just said. "Can I ask a question?" he says. "I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, honestly. You just know how curious I am."

"Yeah, of course," I agree. "What is it?"

"Well, see, I just... I've been wondering for a couple days now, and I... well, I didn't really understand how you... could continue selling yourself out like that when opportunities for better work were all around you. Something safer."

I don't take offense to his words in the slightest. In all actuality, it makes my heart freeze up at the fact he seriously wants to know something so secret, so painstakingly personal about my life.

"I never really had an answer for that myself, in all honesty," I say, the words foaming out of my mouth like saliva from a rabid man's tongue. "I think... I think that it became a sort of codependent thing. My other persona, if you will, couldn't exist without me, but more accurately... I believed I couldn't exist without it. After fourteen years, it became a part of me I couldn't cut off so easily. Or at least, that's what I thought." I sigh, thinking for a moment. "Eren, there are two things you should know if you don't already. Firstly, nobody wants life to hurt. It just does. Secondly, the choices you make are what can change the amplification of it hurting. And I believe love... plays a _very_ strong role in that." I kiss his shoulder and he looks at me as if I'd just quoted Confucius. I see those gears turning in his mind behind his green, green eyes and I know I've said something that hit him hard somewhere.

"I love you," he says, and without question, we walk back to his house perhaps even quicker than we'd come. He spends the rest of the night in his study (after kissing me thoroughly, of course) and I know he's unable to stop himself from writing whatever it is that's in his head.

The next morning, I wake up to the extremely strong smell of gingerbread. Eren's singing Christmas carols in the kitchen, and the black blanket I fell asleep with last night has been replaced by a red and green one.

 _"Eren,"_ I groan, a bit of a laugh in my groggy voice. I walk out of his room and sling an arm around him as he cooks, delicious-looking pancakes on the skillet in front of him.

"Good morning, Jesus," he laughs, earning himself a slap on the arm from yours truly. "Ow!"

"Merry Christmas to you too," I huff. "I love your pancakes though, hooray."

"They're not my typical pancakes," he admits. "They're gingerbread pancakes. My mom's recipe, actually..." He flips them over and presses lightly on the tops of each one with his festive green spatula. "Did you sleep well?"

"Mhm," I respond. "Did you?"

"Actually, I-" He's cut off by Mikasa's voice ringing down the stairs. Either she came home super late last night or early before I woke up this morning.

"Eren, why is there- oh, hey, Levi. Nice boxers," she snorts. I look down and roll my eyes at the snowman pattern.

"They belong to Eren, for your information," I say.

"Sharing underwear? That's nasty," she says, wrinkling her nose. "I thought you were a huge clean freak."

"We've fucked, for god's sake," Eren blurts out, and her shocked expression makes me chuckle. "It's not a big deal when my dick has been in places you'd consider to be far worse than a place that his has also touched."

"Ew, ew, ew!" Mikasa says. "I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this, la la la la la!" She plugs her ears closed with her fingers and runs from the room, skidding to sit down in front of the Christmas tree next to the inactive fireplace. I lean back against the counter as Eren turns back to the stove, checking to assure that the pancakes are fully cooked before setting them on a plate.

"Go sit in the dining room," he says.

"What? Why?"

"Just do it!"

"I don't take orders from brats."

"Who's the taller one here? Dining room. Now."

I can't help but give in at his childish pout; I'm surprised he didn't stomp his foot for added six-year-old effect. I reluctantly sit in the dining room, sighing at the stains all over the table. In a few long minutes, Eren walks into the dining room, but only after turning the lights out.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, hap-"

"Oh, no," I interrupt, although I do smile at the sight of a lit birthday candle in the middle of whipped cream covered pancakes. "Tell me you are _not-"_

"Shh!" Eren urges. "Happy birthday to Levi, happy birthday to you!" He sets the plate down in front of me and looks at me. "Well? Make a wish, silly!"

"A wish?"

"Oh." Eren realizes that I've never actually celebrated my birthday (not to mention the only birthday parties I've ever been to involved drunk people willing to pay to see me strip), so he sits down in the chair next to me as he explains. "See, you close your eyes and make a wish. In your head. Then you open your eyes and blow out the candle in hopes it comes true. It's a silly tradition."

I look down at the candle, the flaming flicking back and forth as it taunts me with the constant question, "What's your wish? What's your wish? What's your wish?" over and over and over again. A million things pop into my head at once, and I decide to go ahead and wish for all of them.

 _I wish that I can be fully okay. I wish that one day I'll love Christmas as much as Eren does. I wish that Eren's book gets published. I wish that we'll be okay._ I blow out the candle and watch the tedious ribbon of gray smoke travel from the candle wick up to the ceiling.

"Happy birthday," Eren whispers in my ear. He kisses my cheek and takes the candle out of the pancake stack, handing me a fork. "Dig in, old man."

"Hey, I'm not old."

"Older than me." Eren giggles and sets his head down on the table, watching me. "I love you."

I nearly choke on the pancake in my mouth. Sure, we've said it a million times by now, but the fact he can say it while I'm stuffing my face really makes me question. "My mouth is full of food and you decide to say it then?"

"What, like whether or not I love you would change based on if you have something in your mouth?" He pauses, then adds, "Innuendo not originally intended but... now it is."

I chortle at that and look over to make sure Mikasa isn't watching us act like absolute idiots before scooping some whipped cream on my finger, putting it on Eren's nose. "Dumbass."

Eren takes some more whipped cream off my plate and smears it over my lips. "Stupid," he retorts.

Our whipped cream war continues until we have sugary white mess all over our faces, and Mikasa glances up just in time to grimace at us. "Ew, ew, ew, it looks like you're filming a por-"

"Yes, Mikasa, I am filming a gay porno at the dining table. Merry Christmas," Eren says, standing up and taking a bow. Mikasa gags and looks down at her phone, then jumps up and excitedly squeals "Annie's here!", throwing on her coat and running out the door. Eren looks back to me and laughs, tapping his fingers on the table.

"Okay, Mikasa has a point. I feel this shit sticking to my face," I say, obviously disgusted.

Eren smirks and leers close to my face, his breath smelling of gingerbread and peppermint and everything delicious. "I'll help clean up, I guess," he says, but before I know it, his tongue is running up the side of my face, licking up the cream like a dog. "Mm," he sighs, purposefully close to my ear. "Happy birthday, _Levi."_ God, with the way he said my name just now, I have to remind myself to keep some damn self control and not completely-

"Begging for something, Eren?"

-fucking with it.

Eren's cheeks are covered, but I can still sense his blush. I take him into the kitchen and wipe my face off with a towel, but keep it out of his reach. "Too filthy for such a pretty towel," I say, eyeing him down like a bird with its prey. "But _I'll help clean up, I guess,"_ I quote, mocking the tone of voice he used when he said it to me. I trail my tongue all over his face, even in rare spots where it's been left clean. My tongue meets his lips and I use the towel to clean the rest of what I didn't get, poking his lips apart and sliding my tongue in. His arms wrap around the back of my neck and I hold him by the waist as we stumble down the hall into his bedroom, closing the door safely behind us.

My tongue explores around the inside of his mouth, obviously winning the battle for dominance already. I push him back on the bed, my hands slithering underneath his T-shirt and feeling all over his perfectly sculpted abdomen. My thumbs roll over his nipples once, twice, three times, then pulling the shirt off.

"Strange time for morning sex," he laughs, but it soon turns into a strangled moan. "O-ooh, I mean- u-unf, Levi, Levi, Levi-"

"That's what I like to hear," I say, my voice low and hair in my eyes. His hands try to grab in my hair but I stop him, taking his wrists and pinning his hands to the pillow above his head. I press my knee between his thighs and rub up and down, making him tilt his head back and moan again.

"Levi- oh, Jesus Christ-"

"I told you not to call me that," I joke. He opens his mouth to laugh a bit but stops the minute I go down to kiss his neck. With one hand still holding both of his down, I use my other hand to slip past the top of his pajama pants, toying with the hem of his boxers.

"Mm- please..." he whimpers. "Please, please..."

"Please what, hm?" I ask, lifting an eyebrow.

"Please... touch me."

I use my foot to drag his pajama pants off and stare at him, his big eyes lighting up as he stares right back at me. "I want you to say my name," I tell him. I palm at him through his boxers and then dip my hand below the waistband. "I want you to say it until you forget everything else, until you know you're mine and I'm yours and that nothing could ever change that in a million years."

He nods and I kiss his neck again, lapping my tongue around his collarbone and adam's apple. His hands twitch under my strong grasp on them, and I know he's doing his best not to moan. I find his cock and take it in my hand, hot and already hard in my palm. "Let me hear your pretty voice," I urge, and he certainly lets out a large moan the moment my thumb runs over the head of his cock.

 _"Levi,"_ he gasps breathlessly. "Levi..."

I wrap my fingers firmly around the base, moving my hand up and down his shaft in an achingly slow manner. I watch his face contort in a hundred different ways, staying stuck on one of absolute pleasure. "Le-Levi," he whimpers. His hips buck up further into my hand and I smirk, craving more of his little helpless demeanor.

"That's it," I purr. "Just like that. You love it when I make you feel like this, don't you?"

 _"God,_ yes, yes, yes," he whines. "It feels so good, y- _you_ make me feel so good... Levi, Levi, don't stop doing that, oh- hah-ahh~"

I leave a long trail of kisses down his chest and stomach, finally letting go of his wrists to put that hand on his thigh. His hands dive into my hair, holding tightly onto my dark locks as I kiss down his aching shaft. I stare up at his face with lustful eyes as I take him in my mouth, my hand pumping what my lips won't reach quite yet. If I said he was lacking in size, I would be a horrible liar.

"Oh my _god,"_ he groans, his fingers running over the short hairs on the back of my neck. His hips jolt upward yet again, but on accident this time. I decide to deepthroat him, my lips sliding all the way down to the base. My tongue moves around his cock inside my mouth, a motion that he seems to like from the sound of my name in his mouth so much. He wraps his thighs around my ears, drawing me in deeper and deeper. By now, only one of his warm hands remain tangled in my hair; the other is gripping at his sheets so hard I'm afraid he's going to break his fingers in half.

"Le-Levi," he says, choking on his own words. "Levi, I'm- I'm going to c- _come."_

My mouth smiles around him and I continue bobbing my head up and down, the taste of his precum already covering my tongue. Soon enough, he comes with a loud breathless cry of _"Levi!"_ I swallow the hot mess in my mouth and pull my mouth off him with a _pop._ Not a drop is forgotten, every bit of it licked up by yours truly.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Eren says, draping his arm over his eyes. He takes a long while to catch his breath, and I crawl back up to curl next to him, drawing patterns on his chest with my finger. After he manages to find his words, he looks at me and says, "What would you do if I told you that was the first blowjob I've ever received?"

"Well," I say, "I'd hope it was a good one."

He laughs and nods enthusiastically, rubbing his eyes. "Try 'the best fucking thing I've ever felt in my entire life'."

"Aw, I'm flattered I make your little dick feel so good."

"Shut up!" he laughs, hitting me with a pillow. "But, ah... shouldn't I return the favor?"

"Nope." I shake my head, sitting up.

"You don't want me to?"

"You know, Eren," I sigh, "after a long time of only pleasuring others, my brain has rewired itself to deny me the satisfaction of loving pleasure myself. One day it'll change. I just don't think it's gonna be today."

He nods and sits up, giving me a kiss on my cheek. "Thank you, then," he says. "Happy birthday."

"Merry Christmas, fuckboy," I snort. "Consider it my gift to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sweats nervously :'D


	7. seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for drugs and scary men???
> 
> Side note, if you guys don't know already, I wrote a little mikannie sideshot that gives some insight from Mikasa's point of view. The work itself may or may not be added on in the future, but more than likely from various points of view. Just little sideshots... possible smut and backstories? (completely self indulgent. oops.) you can find that [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2886713)
> 
> It took me so long to write this. Holidays and stuff. Bleh. I apologize ;A;

Sex doesn't become a regular thing between us, in all actuality; it just doesn't feel right to do the thing that I forced myself to do for years, even if it is with someone I finally love. And Eren is definitely more than understanding of it; in fact, he helps me more than anything.

He makes sure to tell me something he loves about me every chance he gets, and nine times out of ten, it isn't just a superficial thing. When I go through another night of not being able to sleep, Eren does everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable. I hate the fact he feels the need to overwork himself to keep me feeling okay, but I have to admit, it does get my mind off of things.

It's New Year's Eve, however, when _everything_ changes.

"Levi? Did you get the champagne?" Eren asks, running down the stairs in a rush as he puts an earring in his ear.

"Yes, love," I tease, kissing his cheek. "Eren, don't take this the wrong way because you know I love you, but... you look like a hot mess."

Eren laughs nervously, shoving his hands through his sweaty hair. "Sorry. I know. I have to finish getting ready and I'm all stressed and-"

I interrupt him with a gentle kiss, smiling at him. "Do you need me to help you get ready?" I whisper against his lips.

"Yeah," he nods, and I take him by the hand into the bathroom.

"Will you let me do your hair for you?" I ask with a hopeful smile. He grins in agreement and I look over his outfit for a bit before deciding exactly what I'm going to do with his hair. I comb out all the tangles (and additional beads of sweat that I grimace at), then grab the hair dryer.

"Hey, hey, hey, my hair isn't wet, what are you doing with that?" Eren questions as I plug it in.

"Fluffing it," I shrug. I begin blowing his hair around, running my fingers through it as it fluffs up. His bangs land in his eyes for the most part, making him look like some sort of cute puppy. I find the brush and brush his hair back, keeping the fluff but taking away the insanity of it. "Hold on," I tell him quickly, running out of the bathroom. I find Mikasa in the kitchen and immediately ask, "Can I borrow the flower crown you got for Christmas?"

"What?"

"Can I borrow your flower crown?"

"Why?"

"I want to put it on Eren. Promise I'm not gonna break it."

She sighs, pointing upstairs. "It's hanging on the inside doorknob of the bedroom."

I walk upstairs and begin looking for the flower crown, rather satisfied that Mikasa answered me. Neither Mikasa nor Armin know about my whole backstory thing. Maybe that's good; I can't imagine their thoughts of me after finding out. Keeping it quiet is what Eren and I both agreed on.

I find the flower crown and snatch it, going back downstairs to Eren. "Final touch," I smile, placing it on his head. He looks at himself in the mirror and smiles like a little kid on Christmas.

"I love it!" he exclaims. "Thank you." He kisses my cheek and I place my fingers under his chin to pull his face over to kiss my lips, laughing a bit in my throat as we do. "Dork," I mumble, rubbing my thumb over his cheek.

We go back out into the living room and relax on the couch, which I know he's grateful for. He's been working himself to hell today what with his writing and setting up for the New Year's party tonight. "I'm exhausted," he says, putting his hand on his forehead.

"Well, everything's already set up for the party. You can relax for the next two hours." I pull him to curl up in my lap, his arms happily wrapping around my waist.

"I love you," he whispers, closing his eyes. I run my fingers around the band of the flower crown and kiss his fluffy hair.

"I love you too," I say back, just as quietly as he did. "So much. Honestly." I fold our fingers together and he nearly falls asleep on me, up until Armin walks through the front door, interrupting our little moment. Eren sits straight up and stretches his arms above his head, yawning loudly.

"Hey," the blond boy says. "I got food." He trots into the kitchen quickly, setting the food out. Eren sighs and buries his face in my shirt, obviously avoiding trying to fully wake up.

"Eeereeen," I call. "You can't sleep."

"I want to..."

"But you can't," I laugh. "The party's in a couple hours."

"Then let me sleep for a couple hours..." Eren insists, putting his hand on my face. "Pleeeease?"

I can't resist it when it comes to him being cute, and he knows this all too damn well. "Fine," I give in, rolling my eyes. "I love you, dumb brat."

He falls asleep within a matter of minutes, my fingers rubbing over his arm in a soothing motion. Mikasa finishes hanging some silver streamers in each doorway, and Armin prepares the rest of the food quietly. They leave me alone, so I sit in silence with the exception of Eren's quiet breaths coming and going like a tiny whistle.

A few minutes later, my cell phone starts ringing off the hook. I curse it internally, not wanting to risk Eren waking up, but thankfully, he doesn't. "Hello?" I ask after answering the call.

"Be outside at midnight tonight. I'll be waiting," a voice breathes. It's familiar, but I can't place my finger on it.

"Who is this?" I ask. No answer. "Hello?" Whoever the caller is hangs up, leaving me clueless and rather paranoid. I look at the number and sadly, I recognize it immediately.

It's my old dealer.

"This is _not_ happening," I whisper. "I... No. It's gotta be someone else."

Eren stirs in his sleep and I immediately shut up, trying to forget the strange call. "Mm, don't leeeave..." he says, hugging me tighter. I kiss his hair and hold him closely, running my hands over his back.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whisper. "Ever."

-

The party starts around nine. Mikasa is sure to keep a watchful eye that Sasha doesn't down _all_ the food in less than ten minutes ("That has to last all night, Sash!") and Armin keeps himself busy talking to almost everyone about resolutions. I've never made a resolution before in all actuality. Or, at least, not a realistic one. I hope to change that within the next three hours.

Eren rarely leaves my side. I don't mind that at all. He's sure to kiss me every chance he gets, typically followed by a collective "aww" from everyone around us. I never thought Eren would be one to appreciate PDA, but then again, this boy is full of pleasant surprises.

Annie turns on the television around eleven to watch the countdown for the ball to drop in Times Square, and everyone starts to gather around in the living room. It's actually making me claustrophobic.

Eren sees my uncomfortable expression and pulls me by the hand up onto the stairs, away from everyone else. "Thank you," I say, kissing his jaw. "It doesn't even drop for another hour. I don't know why everyone is acting like a group of excited sheep."

Eren snorts, shaking his head. "Beats me." He folds our fingers together and kisses my knuckles lightly before saying, "I want to show you something."

I follow him up the rest of the stairs and stop at the doorway of his study, it being seemingly cleaner than when I first saw it. He motions for me to come over to his computer and I sit on his lap in the chair, wrapping my arms around his waist. He's still wearing Mikasa's flower crown. "What is it?" I ask.

"Look at this. Just- just look." His hands are twitching with excitement as he pulls up his email, clicking on one from the Simon & Schuster publication house. "Read- read this. Just... read it," he instructs.

I lean forward and begin reading, not sure what I'm supposed to be seeing- until I do. Right there, in the second paragraph of the email, are the words "Please send in the final draft of your novel by January 31 for one last review and publication."

"Eren," I say slowly, "does that mean what I think it means...?"

Eren nods, pressing his face into my neck. "They're going to publish it. And- and I have it finished, all I have to do is print it out again and send it and... and oh my god, Levi, they want to publish me."

I don't know what to do other than kiss him. I wrap my arms tightly around him and just kiss the utter hell out of him; I'm surprised the chair doesn't collapse underneath us. "I'm so happy for you," I whisper, pressing my forehead to his. "Oh my god, Eren, that's amazing. I love you, I love you, I love you. Oh my god."

Eren beams at me and just hugs me closer, his breathing heavy and full of adrenaline. "I love you too," he whispers. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. For everything."

"Why are you thanking me?" I ask.

"You have no idea how much you've helped me finish this," he admits. "Just... thank you."

"Yeah," I say, although I'm not exactly sure what he means. "Of course."

-

It's 11:58 when I get a call from the same number as earlier. I disappear into the kitchen (thank god for Eren's friends keeping him occupied) and answer, being sure to stay quiet. "Hello?" I say quickly.

"Levi."

"Who the fuck is-"

"You know who this is." The man's voice is slow and steady and honestly, I wish I didn't know who it belongs to.

"Why are you calling me?"

"I'm outside your house right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It's your choice."

"How do you even know where I-"

But he hangs up. I'm left staring at my phone, in absolute shock at the ultimatum I've been given. _Easy way? Hard way? What the hell?_ I look into the living room to see Eren laughing with Armin and Connie. _They won't know if I'm gone for a bit,_ I think to myself. _It's the only choice I have. I can't risk anyone getting hurt._

I shove my phone in my pocket and sneak to the side door in the kitchen, making sure nobody sees me before disappearing into the cold air just as everyone begins the countdown from ten until the new year.

I scurry down the driveway and walk over to a black pickup truck in front of the house, an unmistakable head of blond hair sitting in the driver's seat. I open the door and get in, not making eye contact. "How the hell did you figure out where I live?"

"Happy new year to you too, Levi," he snorts. "Hmm. You know I have my ways, my connections."

"Yeah, well, I never asked for you to track me down."

"And I never told you to disappear off the map." He shakes his head, putting the truck into drive. "You know, I have a little belief that what you do in the first few moments of the new year reflects how that whole year is gonna go. Interesting you chose to spend those moments with an old friend."

I shake my head, keeping my arms crossed firmly across my chest. "You say it like I had a choice." He doesn't respond to that, or rather, he merely chuckles quietly to himself. I want to choke right now. His truck reeks of mildew and all the wrong kinds of smoke; and sadly, I know these smells all too well. "What do you want, Erwin?" I finally say.

"I want you to work for me again."

"Fuck no," I reply immediately. "All this shit, I left it behind. I'm finally living a normal fucking life. I found my place."

"Your place is with all of us."

"Who is 'us'? Huh? You and those crack whores you call friends?" I'm absolutely livid now; I can't believe what I'm fucking hearing.

"Levi," Erwin sighs. "You know working at the library does _not_ pay you nearly as much as you need."

"I am managing just fine."

"How? By mooching off your new boyfriend's couch? That'll get old really fast. You have to find your own place, depend on yourself for once."

"I have been depending on myself my entire goddamn life!" I shout louder than originally intended. "Fuck, I knew how to cook dinner for myself before I could spell my own damn name. And then I ran away and I figured it out. I knew how to survive on my own, using people for whatever the fuck I needed for the night just to give them what they wanted. And finally, _finally,_ I found someone who really cares for me."

"Does he know?" Erwin asks.

"Does he know _what?"_

"About everything. About _you."_

"Of course he knows."

"So you're really adamant in the thought you're never going to do any of that again, hm?"

"Fuck off, of course I'm not going to." I frown and shake my head, staring out the window. "Let me out," I demand.

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Let me the fuck out of this car right now, Erwin or I swear to god-"

"What would change your mind?" he interrupts.

"Excuse me?"

"What would change your mind? What would convince you to join me again?"

"You seriously believe I would _ever_ go join your little fuck-cult again? Screw you. Burn in hell," I hiss at him. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him, his eyes flicking back and forth from me to the road.

"I knew you would do this," Erwin sighs. "That's why I brought this."

He swerves off the road and parks in the grass, and I have to hold onto the door to keep from slamming my head on the dashboard. "What the fuck are you doing?" I ask as he pulls a miniscule suitcase from the backseat of the truck. He opens it up and my eyes widen at the sight: twenty thousand dollars in cash, a syringe, and two bags of choice drugs.

"Get that shit out of my face," I say, especially grimacing at the heroin I spot.

"Levi." Erwin's tone of voice means business, I know. "You can have all this and more, if you agree to do as I ask."

"My boyfriend is too fucking important to me."

"You can still shack up with him, whatever. You'd just work for me instead of that shitty library now," he shrugs. My lip quivers as he holds up the bag of white powder and opens it, waving it in front of my face.

"Stop," I plead. "I've been clean for years now. Stop. _Please."_

"It'll take away the stress, Levi," he coaxes, shaking out the powder onto the top of the flat suitcase and organizing it into lines using a credit card. He rolls up a rolled-up dollar bill and holds it out to me. "It could be yours."

"Why would I want to?" I ask, my eyes starting to sting with tears that'll never come.

"Because you need it. Remember when you'd depend on it for years? That's because you need it, Levi. You've never stopped craving it and you know it." He leans down and snorts a line of coke, then raises his head and smiles. "Pretty please?"

I have to bite my lip to keep it from shaking. The voices in my head are arguing back and forth so fast that I can't differentiate between right and wrong anymore. Eren's face flashes before my eyes, the smile that he wears when he sees me, the kisses he leaves on my lips that are sweeter than any alcohol, the adrenaline he leaves pumping my heart faster than any drug—

—the horror in his eyes when he saw me with that Jean guy.

"Please stop," I choke out. "Let me out of the car, please, _please."_

"You can't say you don't miss this."

"I- I don't."

"You've never been a great liar."

I feel his eyes piercing holes through me and my fingers twitch, my body craving the feeling of a high again. My stomach churns as I take the dollar bill from him and press it to the white line prepared just for me. "Please don't," I say, although this time, I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to myself.

He grabs my wrist and I hiss, knowing what I have to do. I close my eyes and press the edge of the bill to one nostril.

_1, 2, 3, inhale._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha fuck dont kill me<3
> 
> Also I have no idea what "YEAH YOURE GETTIG PUBLISHED HOORAH" emails actually look like, so if that was completely wrong...forgive me. Lmao.
> 
> Happy 2015 by the way :^D


	8. eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurt to write ugugguigghhh  
> Trigger warning for hospitals and drugs and...yeah.
> 
> Lots of songs for this chapter!!!!!!!!!  
> Levi's POV: "I Want It All" by Arctic Monkeys, "Don't Tell Em" by Jeremih ft. YG, "Partition" by Beyoncé, "Dancing In The Dark" by Dev, "Black Widow" by Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora, and "No Hands" by Neon Hitch (yes it's a cover). (Basically all my club music lmao)  
> Eren's POV: "A Drop in the Ocean" by Ron Pope and "Silver" by The Neighbourhood.
> 
> Have fun crying possibly?? :'D

I'm not sure how I got here or why. My head is spinning in all the right ways, the colors around me are meshed together like one ultracolor that hasn't been discovered yet, and I have the strangest feeling in my chest. Am I going to die? Am I finally living? Why do I feel so good at last?

I look to my left and see Erwin holding an arm around me. Erwin? I haven't seen him since... since I started working at the library, right? He laughs loudly and says something about "old friends" as he leads me over to a table full of familiar faces. Someone yells "holy shit, Levi?!", but I don't know who.

"Levi agreed to spend New Year's with us," Erwin says heartily. He sits me down in an empty chair and someone slides me their champagne. I down it in a matter of seconds, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"No offense, but you sorta look like hell," one girl says. "Erwin, you need us to take care of him?"

"Please," Erwin nods. The girl and her friend both wear large smiles on their faces as they take me to the bathroom. Nobody seems to care that me and the girl's friend are both guys, or maybe everyone's just too high to notice.

The two get me to stand in front of a mirror and they break makeup out of the girl's bag, immediately going to work on my face. "Tell me you remember me," the girl says.

"I..." I blink, trying to focus on her face. "Of course." I smile as she starts to put eyeliner on me. "Isabel."

"Mmhm." She works quickly and efficiently to get my eye makeup done, her male friend starting to apply lip gloss on me. "You remember Farlan too, right?"

"Yeah." I smile and smack my lips together once the makeup is all done. "It's been a while."

"Why'd you leave?"

"I... don't remember." I sigh, shrugging a bit. "But I'm here now, yeah?"

They both laugh and take me back out into the club, music blaring in our ears. I see some girls dancing with friends or grinding on random guys, and some shrieks of "fuck you, 2014!" mingle with the bass of the song. I laugh a bit and ask, "It's 2015 now?"

"Hell yeah," Farlan nods. "Happy new year, Levi."

Isabel puts her lips next to my ear and whispers, "Do you wanna earn some quick cash?"

"How?" I ask, turning to look at her. She giggles and rolls her eyes, looking over at Farlan.

"You know how," she urges. "C'mon, we've got some hungry customers."

I'm led over to a group of slightly older men, all who look they're more than eager to see me. "Have fun with this one, boys," Farlan says as Isabel sits me down on one of their laps. I remember now, I know what I'm supposed to do.

The song changes just in time and the man laughs, his breath on my shoulder blades. I immediately start moving my hips to the beat of the song, his hands holding my waist so that I can't get up. I throw my head back and giggle, my hair getting in my eyes. I mouth the words of the song as I start grinding against him, making sure to keep my hips circulating.

_Take all of me,_  
 _I just wanna be the girl you like,_  
 _The kinda girl you like_  
 _Take all of me,_  
 _I just wanna be the girl you like,_  
 _The kinda girl you like is right here with me._

It's been a while since I gave a lap dance. A _long_ time. But with god knows how many drugs in my system at this point, I don't even have to think about it. The man is already sliding dollar bills into my pockets and saying things like, "I'd pay even more to see you be one of them up there on that stage."

I look up to the stage and see exactly what he means: a few girls stripping, dancing along to the music around some poles that extend all the way up to the raised ceiling. "Mm, I used to be," I say, giggling.

"Hmm. Take it up again, you know how to move your fucking hips, boy."

I don't remember how I end up in the men's bathroom, but I do. My back is pressed up against the wall, my legs wrapped around the man's waist as he fucks me mercilessly. I grab onto his shoulders as I try to catch my breath, my head rolling back. I can't exactly hear him, or anything for that matter. All sound seems like it's underwater, but not really directed to me. I move my hips faster because that's what it seems the man wants and I make sure to moan, biting my lip with all the seduction I'm graced with. My heart feels like it's ready to jump out of my chest but I don't focus on that. I'm not actually sure what to focus on at all, really.

I'm too goddamn high to know what's happening whatsoever. I let the man do what he wants with me before I'm suddenly being offered more lines of coke on the sink counter. Which, speaking of the counter, is where I get fucked next. It's not the same guy from last time; he already paid me and left. I actually don't even know how many people decide to use me and hand me a couple hundred in return; I lose count after the fifth.

A couple hours later- at least, I _think_ it's been a couple hours- Farlan finds me on the bathroom floor, higher than a kite and laughing my ass off at nothing. I'm surrounded by money and articles of clothing that don't all belong to me.

"Come on, let's get you fixed up," he says, helping me dress myself again. I look in the mirror and see white powder stuck like glue underneath my nostrils. My pupils are dilated and there's sweat all over my face, and I still feel like my heart is beating faster than a fucking drum.

"Where's Erwin? Where did he go? I need to talk to him. Is this all my money? Jesus, how many people fucked me? I feel dizzy. I'm going to die. Farlan, I'm fucking _dying."_ My mouth runs so fast that I'm not sure I'm even speaking English anymore. Farlan takes me out of the bathroom and leads me back into the club, over the table Erwin first took me to.

"Levi, Erwin left," he says. "I thought he came in and told you that. He assumed you were going to end up spending the night with someone."

"Mmm, no. I wanna go home. I'm tiiiiired," I say, still giggling to myself.

"You- Levi, no, Jesus. You can't go _home._ Not like this, anyways. Your boyfriend will know you're high off your ass. You don't want that, do you?"

"Fuck you!" I shout. "I'm going home. Don't tell me I can't."

"Levi, I'm serious, you-"

"Don't fucking talk to me!" I storm over to the door and shove my way out of the club, money overflowing in my pockets. The minute I get outside, I'm freezing. It's starting to snow and I can see my breath; it has to be below twenty degrees at the _most._

"Eren-" I gasp. "Where's Eren?" I stumble over my own feet, falling to the snow-covered ground. I feel sick. "Help," I whisper, shivering. "I'm _dying."_

How could Erwin simply drive me here and leave? What did he honestly want? Unless he already came and took half my money, he got virtually nothing out of this. But now my whole damn body aches like I've never felt before and I know I'm honestly dead already.

"I shouldn't have come here," I whisper. I raise my hand to my nose to wipe away what feels like snot, only to find it's blood. "Fuck, fuck..." I cry out. I stare up at the black sky as snow falls down over me, the twinkling stars seeming to move quickly around the night sky.

I feel myself starting to drift in and out of consciousness, and the very last thing I see before passing out completely is Jean. "Fuck," he says, obviously distressed for some reason. After that, everything goes dark.

-

_Eren's POV_

When Levi doesn't show up to give me my New Year's kiss at midnight, I automatically assume he's in the bathroom.

However, when I can't find him after three hours, I realize I can't stop crying.

"Did _anybody_ see him go anywhere?!" I ask frantically. Mostly everyone shakes their head with the exception of Annie, who puts her hands in her sweatshirt pocket as she speaks.

"I saw him slip out the kitchen door just before midnight," she says. "I assumed he was going out for a smoke or something."

"Fuck," I say. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, no! No, Jesus..." I put my hands in my hair, biting my quivering lip. "He can't... no."

Armin pulls out his phone and begins calling everyone in his contacts that isn't at the party. Mikasa and Connie do the same, and Sasha comes over to comfort me quietly. "Hey, I'm sure he's okay," she says. "Don't worry, okay? We'll find him." I nod in agreement, but I can't be so sure. I can _never_ be sure.

After an hour and a half that feels more like an eternity, someone knocks on the door loudly and in a panic. "Open up!" he yells. _Jean._

Armin opens the door first, and the minute Jean walks in, I see Levi in his arms, passed out and his nose covered in blood. "What the _FUCK_ did you DO to him?!" I shriek immediately, jumping to my feet. "I will fucking KILL y-"

"Jaeger, listen for a damn second!" Jean says. Everyone clears the couch and Jean sets Levi down gently on it, his arm draping off the side as Mikasa and Sasha run to go get the first aid kit. "I was downtown, I just got off my shift off work and I was walking down the sidewalk when I saw him passed out. He was in front of the, uh... the club downtown."

"You really expect me to-"

"Eren, he's high." Jean puts his fingers to his temples and closes his eyes tightly. "Fuck, I knew immediately when I saw him who he was. But he's high as fuck, Eren. And I know it's coke. Jesus Christ, I've never seen someone so fucked up."

"What?" My voice is quiet and I feel something inside of me break. "He... what?"

"Eren, I'm sorry. But we need to call 911 because the last thing we need is for him to have overdosed. Okay?" He points to Connie and he immediately calls 911, talking to the operator with more ease than I'd be able to. I fall to the floor and hug my knees to my chest, looking at Levi as Sasha and Mikasa fret over him.

"Eren," Mikasa breathes. I look up at her with bloodshot eyes and see her holding a handful of cash, probably adding up to more than I've ever had in a weekly paycheck. "Eren, I think he-"

 _"No,"_ I whisper. "No, no, no, don't tell me that. Don't. Take it away, take it away, please, please..."

To my surprise, the one who brings me to my feet is Jean. He takes me into the kitchen so I don't have to see it all anymore, and I immediately burst into tears.

"Eren, what the fuck is going on?" he whispers. "I know, I know he is, or was, or still is, who knows, a prostitute. _Obviously_ I know that. But this? What the fuck? Did you know about the drugs?"

"I... He told me he hadn't gotten high in years," I whisper, holding my arms across my chest as I sob. "I don't know why... or how... or what he was thinking, and I just... I-I..."

Shockingly, Jean hugs me. He actually _hugs_ me. "I'm so sorry, Eren," he says. I only sob harder, tears staining his shirt. "He's going to be okay. He'll have to be in the hospital for a while, but he'll be okay."

I'm still weeping by the time the ambulance reaches the house. Paramedics rush in and put Levi on a stretcher, and the last thing I see before he's taken away is his eyes opening slightly, his lips moving in the motion of trying to say _"Eren."_

-

Jean drives me to the hospital. And, even with Mikasa sitting in the backseat, he's silent. I know it's because he knows how terrifying it feels to lose the person you love. It's a bit of a drive to get there- despite the millions of dollars our town collectively owns, it still has no hospital of its own- and I can't help but worry myself sick over whether or not Levi made it there _alive._

"Of course it had to be cocaine," I whisper under my breath. "Fucking of course!" I hit the airbag of the car and cry more, my eyes burning red.

"Eren," Mikasa whispers from the backseat, leaning forward and placing a hand on my arm. "He's okay. It's going to be okay, I promise."

"You don't know that!"

"Eren, he's fine," Jean nods. "We're gonna get there, and we're gonna talk to the doctors and see what condition he's in. But I promise you, he's alive."

I hide my face in my hands as my whole body racks with sobs again. "He promised me," I whisper. "He promised."

-

I don't know how long it is that we wait in the waiting room of the ER before someone actually talks to me, but all I know is my patience is gone.

"Are you three here for Levi Ackerman?" a nurse asks, sounding a bit bored as her nails tap keys on the keyboard in front of her.

"Yes," I say immediately, walking over to her. "Can I see him?"

"Are you family?"

"I'm his boyfriend."

She rolls her eyes and sighs, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. Family only."

"Yes, I understand, but he doesn't _have_ any family," I say brashly. "He has me and that's about it."

"And those two are...?"

"My friends. They're here for support, basically." I sigh, putting my elbows on her desk and placing my head in my hands. "Please, I _need_ to see him."

She groans a bit but frowns sadly at the panic on my face. "Name?"

"Eren Jaeger." I bite my lip as she types, and I have to correct her on the spelling of my name.

"Kid, do you want to see him or not?"

"Yes, ma'am. Sorry." I turn back and see Jean making fun of the nurse with his hand imitating a talkative mouth, and I have to snap my fingers at him for him to stop.

"All right, Eren, here. Wear this badge on your shirt, it'll let you... see him, and whatnot." She sighs, shaking her head. "Just... don't say I didn't warn you, okay? He's not exactly in the prettiest condition. He's in room 231."

I thank her quickly before disappearing down the hall, my hands shaking violently. I wring them together as I see room 231 get closer and closer, my stomach churning. When I finally reach the room, I take a deep breath and open the door. On the hospital bed is Levi, IVs and monitors and whatever the hell else hooked up to him. He honestly looks worse than I ever thought possible.

"Levi?" I whisper, walking closer to the bed. His eyes move around slowly and he takes shaky breaths, obviously being hard for him to move in any way.

"Eren..." he croaks out.

"Oh god, Levi," I say, immediately starting to cry again. "You scared me so bad, I thought- I thought you were g-gone."

Levi raises his fingers off the bed slightly and I come closer, kneeling down next to him. "I'm okay," he whispers. "I just... I hurt."

"I know, I know." I wipe my eyes and kiss his hand, biting my tongue. "Don't do that again, you hear me? Ever."

"I promise," he agrees. "Eren..."

"What? What is it? I'm right here, Levi."

Levi lets me hold his hand in mine and he opens his eyes wide again as he says, "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, I know. It's... it's okay. Please, don't worry about that for right now. You're alive, that's all that matters. Jesus Christ, that's all that matters right now." I hold my breath and rub my thumb over his hand. "We can talk about that later, okay? You just need to rest."

"I love you," he whispers.

"I- I love you too," I nod. "God, I love you too."


	9. nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M FINALLY ALIVE  
> this chapter probably sucks because i was stressing over it a lot :') please send help  
> new music !!! two song I found that reminded me of Levi in this story are "Swingin' Party" by Lorde and "Rootless" by Marina and the Diamonds. Annnd a song for the beginning of this chapter is "Over" by Tove Lo. whoops. Also during Eren's POV, I like the song "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down. Also maybe the fact Pandora started playing it when I was writing it. k.  
> probably only gonna be a couple chapters left after this one!!! sooo yeah. hip hip hoorah.  
> i also wrote a [jeanmarco sideshot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2886713/chapters/6782906) for the last chapter. whoop whoop.
> 
> this is sorta important, but there is a trigger warning for suicide/depression/implied self harm mention in this chapter. please keep this in mind and keep yourselves safe<3 i love you all, i really do<33

"You need to go to rehab."

The words fly out of his mouth so matter-of-factly that it actually scares me. Eren has been standing in my hospital room for literally ten seconds and that is the first thing out of his mouth. I've been here for one week now, and he's visited me every chance he got- but he was always distant. Thinking about something I couldn't quite figure out. Now, I know what that was.

"What?" I say, blinking and staring at him.

"Exactly what I just said. You need to go to rehab." Eren crosses his arms and frowns, stress wearing down his face like a pile of rocks. I know he's spent these past couple of weeks absolutely restless; who would be able to sleep when their boyfriend is in the hospital for a close cocaine overdose?

I look down and pick at the spot in my vein where an IV is currently stuck in. I don't want to be here right now, with wires attached to every part of my body. I want to be back at Eren's house with him, safe and warm and not feeling empty. I want to take back New Year's. Hell, I want to fucking murder Erwin in cold blood for what he did to me.

Or, more correctly, what he encouraged that I do to myself.

"I'm not going to rehab," I blurt out once I finally look at Eren again. "I'm not."

"Yes, you are," he persists. "You need it."

"Why?" I question, my voice slowly starting to slip into a mode of being stone cold. "I'm not addicted anymore, Eren. It was one night, one fucked up night that I was practically forced into."

"Once an addict, always an addict," he says, shooting daggers at me with his eyes.

"What the hell would you know about addicts?" I practically spit at him. I don't mean for the words to come out so harsh, they just do.

Eren seems to ignore my comment and shakes his head, staring down at the tile floor. His hands are stuck in his hoodie pockets and he is now refusing to make eye contact with me. _Shit,_ I think. _I said something wrong_. "You're going to rehab," he finally says. "That's final, Levi."

"I've been there before. It doesn't do anything for me."

"Maybe it didn't do anything," Eren says, "because you didn't _want_ it to."

I bite my lip and avert my eyes from him, staring down at my hands. They're covered in scratches from when I collapsed outside, and some traces of dried blood are still caked underneath the tips of my fingernails from when I was holding my bloody nose. "And what if I don't?" I say quietly. "Are you going to break up with me?"

"Don't do this now," Eren says. "Don't."

"You will, won't you?!" I exclaim. "Well, fuck you too, Eren Jaeger. Fuck. You."

"Levi, please just-"  
"No. No. I love you, Eren, but if you can just leave me like that-"

"I'm not fucking leaving you!" Eren shouts. "Just listen to me for one goddamn second, one fucking moment of your time!"

I clamp my mouth shut and leave it that way.

"I'm not trying to make you feel like I don't love you, because _fuck,_ Levi, I love you more than- I love you more than I fucking love myself!" He closes his eyes tightly and clenches his jaw before continuing. "I'm doing this _because_ I love you, though. Please understand that."

"I..." I hesitate a moment, watching his eyes focus and unfocus on me. Something behind the light in his eyes tells me that he's suddenly hit a flipswitch, something on the inside bothering him more than it normally would. "...I never asked you to fall in love with me."

 _Fuck. I didn't mean to say that._  
"Excuse me?" Eren's words are cold and to the point, but his tone sounds hurt. Broken. "You just- you just said you don't want me to leave you, but now you don't want me to love you?"

"Eren, that's not what I meant."

"Really? Because it sure as hell sounds like it." Eren has to wipe away tears in his eyes before they have the chance to roll. "Fine. Fine. If you really didn't want me to fall in love with you... consider it undone."

"You don't mean that."

"I wish I could say the same to you. But that's the thing, Levi. You never say things you never mean." He waits before adding, "Of course, maybe when you said you loved me."

And with that, he turns on his heels and storms out of the room, slamming the door loudly behind him. _Did we just break up? No. No, this can't be happening, please please tell me we're still okay. He's going to come back tomorrow, it's just a bad day. Please don't let this be the end, oh god, please._

My wishes in life are never granted.

He doesn't come back the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. It takes five whole days before I realize he's _never_ coming back.

Oh, have I fucked up royally this time.

-

I do have other visitors over the course of the next week. Not very many, but a few. Pro: none of them are Erwin. Con: none of them are _Eren._

Hanji stops in a few times to let me know that yes, I still have a job at the library saved for whenever I come back, that the library recently had a new shipment of books come in that she thinks I would like, and no, she won’t side with either me or Eren. “Why do you think I would side with either of you?” she says. “I mean, I know I stick my nose into your business too much at times, but this is between you and him and you two alone.”

Shockingly, Hanji’s actually great at giving advice.

On her second visit, she gives me plenty of books to keep me occupied. “I know books make you feel less…-” She stops there, but I know she was going to say _lonely._ “Give ‘em back whenever you want.”

I finish all seven in two days. It’s not like I can sleep anyways, no matter how much my eyes try to weigh themselves down.

Sometime during my last week in the hospital, I get two visitors that are rather unexpected: Armin and Mikasa. They greet me with shy “hi”s and sit down in two chairs by my bed, both of them obviously nervous to see me.

“Hi?” I say, raising an eyebrow. “I, ah… didn’t think you two would come here.”

“Us either,” Mikasa says bluntly. “Levi, Eren didn’t mean to break up with you.”

“Mikasa,” Armin says, wincing. “That’s not a topic to just throw on somebody.”

“That’s why we came here, isn’t it?” Mikasa fiddles with the scarf around her neck and sighs. “Like I was saying, he didn’t mean to break up with you. I’m sure you know by now of his… temper, yeah?”

“I suppose so,” I reply slowly.

“He really didn’t mean to say what he said. He’s hurting a lot too, you know,” Armin peeps quietly.

“I’m sure he is,” I say. I don’t mean to sound sarcastic, because I mean my words, but they sound cold anyways.

Mikasa and Armin exchange anxious glances before Mikasa says, “Levi, if I say something, can you promise not to freak out?”

“Sure?”

“Levi…” Mikasa picks at her fingernails and bites her lip. “Levi, Eren almost attempted, um…”

_Don’t say it. Don’t say the S-word. Don’t you dare._

“…Eren almost attempted suicide.”

I close my eyes tightly and try to steady my breathing the best I can. “Tell me he’s all right. At least tell me he’s okay.”

“Physically, yeah. He’s fine. He didn’t even have to go to the hospital, because I got to him before he could do anything,” Mikasa says, “but… emotionally, no. He’s a wreck.”

“Please don’t tell me he did this over me. If he did this because of me, _fuck,_ I’m going to kill him myself.”

“That’s not all of it,” Armin says. He leans forward and squints his eyes at me a bit. “Oh my god. He didn’t tell you, did he?”

“Tell me what?” I say. “What did he not tell me?”

“Levi, this isn’t Eren’s first time doing something like this,” Armin whispers.

Well, _fuck._

-

_Eren’s POV- two days earlier_

It’s been a week since I saw Levi in the hospital last. At least, I think it’s a week. I don’t know anymore. I stopped counting the days; too much pain to keep looking at the calendar.

I can’t get that image of Levi out of my head. I’ve long forgotten his words to me by this point, but the memory of him lying in that hospital bed is still burned into my eyelids every time I shut them. I finally understand what it’s like to be Levi on some points, how he’s never able to sleep. I understand it all.

Levi reminded me too much of my mother when I last looked at him. Every time I held his hand when the sleeping meds kicked in and he was actually _not_ awake, it was like holding Mom’s hand again, her eyes closed and her hands weak. It reminded me too much of all the pain back then, but now, a new pain is finally coming back.

I haven’t felt like this since high school. I thought I got better. Then again, there wouldn’t be any “better” without antidepressants becoming my best friend over the past few years. Levi doesn’t know about them. I always hid them elsewhere so he wouldn’t find them. But now… now he’ll know. He’ll know all about my _stupid_ fucking sob story. Big whoop. Boy has depression, boy tries to die, boy wakes up in hospital and gets better. Boy gets triggered by anything and everything he can get triggered by. Boy wants to die again. _Boy succeeds._

That’s the story that plays over and over again in my head, anyways.

Armin’s not home, and Mikasa’s a few streets away at Annie’s. I’m home alone. If I act quick, I can do it, right? I don’t have to piss Levi off anymore or burden Mikasa and Armin. My book’s already getting published, I don’t need to make any more revisions. Art sells the best when the artist is dead. _Dead._

I pick up my phone with shaky hands and call Mikasa quickly. She picks up on the third ring, and I’m immediately feeling guilty for taking away her time with Annie. “Hello?” she says quietly.

“Mikasa,” I say into the receiver, holding back tears as I grip at my bedsheets with my other hand. “Mikasa, I… I’m just calling to let you know I love you.”

“I love you too, Eren, you know that. Are you okay? You sound like you’re going to cry. Have you been crying?”

“No,” I lie. “I just… wanted to tell you, you know? I don’t say it enough.”

“Okay. Do you need anything?” I’m silent for a long time. “Eren?”

“Why wasn’t I enough?” I whisper. “Mikasa, why wasn’t I enough?”

“Eren, what are you talking about?”

“Why wasn’t I enough to keep Levi from going out that night? Why am I not _ever_ enough for _anybody?”_ The tears finally start to roll and I hug my knees to my chest as my entire body trembles. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” I drop my phone to my bed, Mikasa’s voice now shouting through the phone at me. _Eren, Eren, Eren, talk to me,_ she’s yelling, but I can’t do anything but sob.

I wasn’t enough to save Mom. I wasn’t enough to keep Dad from walking out of my life. I wasn’t enough to help Levi, and now I’m not even enough to save myself.

I don’t know how long it is that I clutch my bottle of antidepressants in my hand, but before I have the strength to actually rip off the cap, Mikasa is somehow back home, running around the house screaming out my name.

“Eren! Eren!” she yells frantically. She barges into my room and finds me crying on my bed, so she immediately takes the bottle out of my hand and tosses it aside, holding me in her arms. “Oh, god, Eren, don’t scare me like that,” she whispers. I can’t do anything but cry in her arms. I feel fucking helpless.

“Don’t tell Dad, don’t tell Dad,” I whisper in a panic. “Don’t tell him, he wants to take me back to Chicago, please don’t tell him.”

“I won’t tell him,” Mikasa says, and I know she’s telling the truth. “I promise. God, Eren. Don’t do this again.” She kisses my hand in a soothing notion and I feel a tear fall from her own eyes onto my skin. “You didn’t do anything, right?”

“I- I couldn’t get… get the cap off the b-bottle,” I stutter. “P-please, please, don’t tell anyone.”

Mikasa looks at me with dark eyes and glances down at my arms. She pulls back my sweater sleeves and lets out a breath of relief to see my arms are still bare aside from my tattoo. I press my face into her chest and she pulls me to lie down on the bed, wrapping her arms around me as a mother would for her small child. For the first time in a long time, I’m grateful for Mikasa’s constant motherly instincts. “Shh, shh, Eren, you’re okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

It’s good to know at least someone does.

-

_Levi’s POV- present day_

“Levi, are you all right?” Armin says. It takes me a minute before I realize they’ve been trying to talk to me for the past five minutes.

“I- no.” I shake my head. “No. I’m not.”

“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have told you so soon–”

“No. It’s good that you did.” I frown and start fiddling with my IVs once again. “I just… I want to see him, you know? After our fight, I didn’t get to talk to him.”

“I want to convince him somehow to come talk to you,” Mikasa says, “but he’s refusing to leave the house. He just keeps himself cooped up in his study. I make him leave the door open, though, so we can keep an eye on him.”

“Is he okay now though?” I say, my eyes widening.

“Jean’s with him right now. Poor choice of person, I suppose, but they’ve been on better terms ever since Jean… sorta saved you, I guess,” Armin says. I nod at that, remembering how weird of a night it was. Scary, yes, but weird when I realized _Jean_ of all people was the one who found me.

“I’m sure you and Eren are gonna sort things out,” Mikasa says, although I sense some reluctance in her voice. “When that does happen… if you _ever_ pull another stint like this one again, I won’t hesitate to fucking kick your ass so hard that your nose will be on the other side of your head. Do you understand?”

I nod. “Honestly, if I ever do this again… I’d willingly let you kill me.”

“Good. Then it seems like we have an agreement.” Mikasa crosses her arms and looks at Armin. “We should probably be getting back to Eren now, though.”

“Does he know you’re visiting me?”

“No, he thinks we’re at the store. So… yeah. We should get going.” Mikasa stands up and I can see she almost considers hugging me before shaking her head. “I’ll see you soon, then.”

“See you,” I say quietly, and once Armin gives me a small wave, they’re gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter was REALLY short and it really sucks ass butttttt at least it's something :') please don't hate me ok


	10. ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but I just wanna thank my good ol pal [Jemma](http://pedoseidon.tumblr.com) for helping me think of a couple things in this chapter whether they realize they helped me or not okay yeeeah  
> I'm starting to feel discouraged with writing this, I feel like it's sorta dumb and lots of plot holes and yeah whATEVER ok but I promise I'll finish it _I'll push through the troubled waters my friends_  
>  I was listening to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUSBXsd8NkQ) while writing this chapter and I feel like it fits somehow ???idk  
> also "Big Jet Plane" and "Yellow Brick Road", both by Angus and Julia Stone yayayyy  
> Also I love Hanji + lizards 5ever

Despite my guilt over Eren, I still decide against going into rehab. However, I'm still not supposed to leave the hospital until February fourth. I don't know where the hell I'll be going, anyways. Maybe Hanji'll let me crash on her couch for a week or two.

Yeah, right. Scratch that. I'm not anybody's damn charity case.

This hospital has some rather strange policies, sure, but the one I still don't get is the one on departure. A patient can actually leave the hospital up to a week before their planned departure date if a family member or other legal relative signs them out. It's stupid, honestly, but it's not like I care. I don't have any family left.

Maybe that's why on February first, three days before my planned departure date, I'm so fucking confused when the doctors tell me I can leave.

"What do you mean?" I ask one of them, scratching at my arm. "I'm not supposed to leave until Wednesday."

My least favorite doctor, some stuck up blonde woman with nails too long for her stubby fingers, is the one who answers me. "Someone's signed you out, Levi. A cousin of yours? She provided proof of you living with her over the past couple of months."

I stare at her and furrow my eyebrows. _Cousin?_  I think. I don't have any cousins- at least, not that I know of or have ever lived with, especially not recently. I anxiously glance down at my hospital bracelet as I try to think and read over the information for the umpteenth time during my stay.

LEVI ACKERMAN – DOB: 12-25-1987 – ARRIVAL: 1-1-15

I focus on the _1-1-15._  The day that changed everything. I should have just told Erwin no.

"Can I see whatever forms my, uh, _cousin_  signed?" I finally ask, still in my confused state.

The doctor tells me in her annoyingly nasal voice that she has to go look for them, but she'll be back in a minute. I merely roll my eyes and thank whatever god exists for the silence that follows once she finally exits the room. She's getting on my last nerve, this woman.

I look to the table next to my hospital bed and remember I still have a couple of books Hanji lent me from the library. Sure, I've already read them both, but there's something about them that makes it impossible for me to give them back just yet. Maybe it's because they both somehow remind me too damn much of Eren. I graze my fingers over the spines of both books and sigh, but my attention is soon directed away from them when my doctor walks back in. Her long red nails tap against papers that she holds in her hands, and I can read the words PERMISSION TO RELEASE in bold letters.

"These pages are just information on releasing you," she says slowly as she flips through the papers. "But... here, here we are. Her signature, right there."

It takes me a minute to comprehend the scratchy signature, but once I finally read it, I hold my breath.

There, on the dotted line, reads _Mikasa Ackerman._

-

I’m not an idiot. I know very well Mikasa is of no relation to me other than the fact she is the sister of my boyfriend.

Well, _ex-_ boyfriend. I hate remembering that part.

I can think of a million different ways as to how Mikasa could have pulled this off, but my main focus tends to stray back to the knowledge that the staff at this hospital tends to be lazy and none of them really care if you’re actually related to someone, just as long as you give enough proof. With letters sent to me at Eren’s house- which yes, is also Mikasa’s house- and the convenient last name we have in common, I can’t imagine it was very hard to fool them into believing we’re related. The only thing that still puzzles me is wondering _why_  she would want to sign me out.

Before I know it, all my stuff is packed up and I’m walking down the hospital hallway in my normal clothes, a bag slung over my shoulder with the books on top. “Take care, Levi,” the annoying doctor tells me. “I hope we don’t have to see you in here again.”

I snort at that. “The feeling is mutual,” I retort.

“I meant that in a kind way. As in, I hope you don’t need to come back to the hospital due to... _that.”_

“I know.” I roll my eyes and shift the bag around. “The feeling is still mutual.”

I walk out to the waiting room expecting to be alone for some reason, but just as I turn the corner, I see a flash of black hair and a red scarf disappear out the door. Mikasa was waiting on me... only to leave?

Confused, I begin following her, intending to ask her an entire novel worth of questions, but once I see her slip into the passenger side of a car I know all too well, my heart stops beating and I force my feet to freeze on the pavement.

Eren’s staring right at me through the windshield.

I can feel my mouth go dry and for some reason, I’m feeling like I’m dying even more than I did during my near-death experience. His expression doesn't look angry. He doesn't look _happy,_  no, but he doesn't look completely pissed at my existence, either. I’m not sure _what_  he looks like, but all I know is he’s staring at me and oh, god, I can’t breathe. The last time I saw him, we were screaming at each other in my hospital room, and the last I heard about him, he wanted to kill himself. I can’t face him, not like this.

I want to continue standing there, not having to move at all, but then he opens the car door. And he gets out.

I book it back into the hospital and nearly jump over the counter as I look at the receptionist. “Can I _please_  use your telephone?” I breathe heavily. She gives me a concerned look but turns the phone around to me, and I immediately dial the first person I can think of- Hanji.

“Hello?” Hanji’s voice rings. She still sounds too chipper to be human, even on the phone.

“Hanji, it’s me. Levi.”

“Oh my god, are you okay? You sound like you’re dying.”

“Yes, I’m perfectly fine! But I... Mikasa signed me out and listen, I really need you to drive me home or something. I don’t even know.”

“Why don’t you have Mikasa take you?”

“Because Eren is with her.”

“Oh.” She’s quiet for a bit before I hear her giggling.

“What the fuck are you laughing at, four-eyes?” I demand. The receptionist gives me an irritated glare, motioning to a few kids sitting in the waiting room. Whatever, it’s not like their ears can stay away from the word “fuck” forever.

“Sorry, sorry. Just my lizards- _Bean, don’t lick my fingers like that!_  -being stupid.”

“Can you please focus on what I’m saying?”

“I’m focused!” I can almost feel her adjusting her glasses on her face through the phone.

“Okay, but seriously. Can you please pick me up? I just... fucking asshole thinks he can just show up, and... And I don’t even know anymore, Hanji. Please.”

“Levi.” I hear her motherly tone showing through her typical stupidity and I sigh. “Don’t you think this is a good idea to I dunno, actually _talk_  to Eren? You can’t avoid him forever.”

“I beg to differ.”

“No, Levi. I’m serious. We both know you love him too much to do that.” _Goddammit Hanji, why do you have to be like that?_ “Just go. And talk to him.”

“If you don’t pick me up right now I swear to god, I will hunt your ass down in that library and set it on fire with you still inside.”

Hanji giggles _again._  “No, you won’t,” she says.

“Yes, I fucking will.”

“You wouldn’t dare to. There’s too much that reminds you of Eren in it, anyways.”

I sigh. A long, heartbroken sigh. “I can’t talk to him.”

“Sure you can. Besides, I’m busy with my lizards anyways, I can’t pick you up. I’m sorry, Levi. Just face your fears.”

I can see Eren getting closer to the doors of the hospital and I panic. “Fine, fine, fine. I’ll call you if I’m still alive after this goddamn car ride. I hate you, four-eyes.”

“No, you don’t.”

I sigh yet again. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t. Okay, whatever. Bye.” I hang up and thank the receptionist quickly before leaving the doors of the hospital one final time. The minute I step outside, Eren waits until he’s about three feet in front of me to stop walking. All we can do is stare at each other, we stare at each other for a long time. Eren’s the first one to speak.

" _Levi,”_  he whispers. He emphasizes the “Le”, but the last syllable is just barely audible to my ears.

“Eren.” My voice is quiet but still firm, unwavering as I stare him in the eye.

“Levi, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t,” I say, raising a hand. “Just drive me home, don’t apologize.” I stop myself and then shake my head. “Actually, scratch that. I don’t have a home anymore.” I laugh shortly, but it’s a sarcastic laugh and it hurts as it leaves my mouth.

“Levi, c’mon. Of course you have a home.” Eren looks desperate, and he sounds like it too. “Please just listen to my apology.”

“Fine.” I shiver and cross my arms. “But can we talk in the car? It’s fucking cold out here and I don’t have a jacket.”

Once we’re in the car, I sit behind Mikasa so that I have a diagonal view of Eren and he has a clear view of me in the rearview mirror. I know Mikasa well enough by now to know that she won’t interrupt our conversation at all, unless we’re ready to half-kill each other. Which, maybe there’s actually a frighteningly good possibility of that right now.

“First things first,” Eren says as he starts driving out of the parking lot. I barely even notice that we’re moving as I lean forward to the sound of his voice. “I don’t want to yell, I don’t want _you_  to yell, I don’t want there to be any yelling at all. Okay? I've had enough of that from my last visit.” _Yeah, like you really needed to remind me of that._

“Okay. No yelling,” I reply. Short and sweet, just about as good of an answer as he’s going to get.

“Okay.” Eren darts his eyes to my reflection in the mirror quickly, but once we make eye contact, they flick back to the road. “Secondly, please don’t interrupt me when I’m talking. If something I say makes you upset, wait to tell me until I pause, okay?”

I nod.

“Great. Now, listen.” He takes a deep breath and we turn down another road before he says, “I’m sorry about what happened. I never, ever wanted to break up with you. Ever. I just wanted to help you, I wanted you to be the best you could be. I’m not really pissed about you choosing not to go to rehab anymore, as I completely understand where you’re coming from and yeah, okay. That’s not my point. My point is... I was so upset, Levi, I didn’t know what else to do. I mean- not that it was an option, but- fuck it, I don’t know what I’m saying.” He takes a few deep breaths and his hands clench around the steering wheel, and I can tell he’s full of anxiety right now. “Fuck, Levi, I didn’t want to break up with you, that’s all I know. I fucking love you, and I want you to live with me again, and I want everything to be okay, Jesus, I want us to be okay, I want _you_  to be okay.”

I’m quiet as I stare down at my hands. I mess with the zipper on my bag and bite my lip, clenching my eyes tightly. I don’t say anything at all.

“I love you.” Eren’s voice is a whisper now and I can see he’s on the verge of tears from the way his brow creases to the red burning in his eyes. “I don’t want you to hurt.”

“You’re the one who’s hurting, though,” I say finally. “I know it. Look at you, Eren. I’m the reason you’re about to cry.” I hold my breath as I try to keep myself from saying anything else, but I can’t help it, and soon enough, words are spilling past my lips. “I’m the reason you tried to kill yourself.” _Fuck, no, no, I shouldn’t have said that._

Eren suddenly stops the car abruptly at a quick-changing red light and I hear Mikasa exclaim a loud, _“Jesus, Eren!”_

“What did you just say?” he says once the car is stopped, almost snapping his neck as he turns around and stares at me. “How the hell did you know that?”

Mikasa sinks down in her seat and I break into a cold sweat. I shouldn’t have fucking said that.

“I mean, I just...” I bite my lower lip and scratch at the base of my wrist. “...someone told me.”

Eren turns to Mikasa, but all she does is turn and stare out the window. Eren almost puts his head on the steering wheel but the light turns green again and he puts his foot on the gas. “I’m sorry you had to find out.”

“Don’t apologize for that.”

“It wasn’t your fault, though.”

“Maybe not wholly, but I certainly played a part in it.”

“No,” Eren says, shaking his head. “No. Just... don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.”

I’m quiet again and I close my eyes, pressing my head back against the headrest of my seat. “Sorry,” I mumble quietly.

“Don’t be.” We enter the town next to Mariemont and I bite my lip at the knowledge we’re getting closer and closer to Eren’s house. I’m too afraid to go back to that house. I was half-dead last time I was there. _I betrayed Eren last time I was there._  “We can finish our conversation at home, I guess. I’m dropping Mikasa off at Annie’s.”

He stops the car a few streets away from his house and lets Mikasa out. She says a few things to him that I can’t hear before running up the steps to Annie’s house, disappearing inside after being greeted by the blonde. I don’t bother moving up to the front seat; I stay exactly where I’m at for fear of getting too close to Eren just yet.

We’re both dead silent as Eren drives the remaining three streets to his house and I get out slowly, not closing the door behind me until Eren’s already on the porch. The cold wind whips against my face and blows my hair all around my head, messing it up more than it already is. It’s fucking freezing and I want to go inside, but I’m going to fight it tooth and nail, I’m going to fight it, _I’m going to fight-_

Fuck.

I find myself standing in Eren’s living room much sooner than I was hoping to, my arms still crossed. Eren stands in front of me and we’re still quiet for a long time. It hurts too much to look at him.

I’m not sure what the hell crosses Eren’s mind, but he soon closes the distance between us and his hands are on my back, his lips pressing to mine with such a gentle yet demanding force. I let myself melt into his lips for a moment before yanking myself away, pushing my hands against his chest. “Don’t,” I whisper, rubbing at my lips with my sleeve. “Don’t... don’t do that.”

“Levi.”

“Just fucking don’t.” I hug my arms to my chest and I know I look so fucking vulnerable right now, and I _hate_  it. “I hurt you, why do you love me?”

“Don’t say that.”

“I _hurt_  you, Eren. I hurt you so bad.” I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I can’t even wipe them away. “Why do you love me? What reason have I given you to love me like that?”

Eren gives me space to breathe, for which I am grateful, but he still looks at me closely, and when I look down, he gently places his fingers under my chin to pull my face back up. “Levi,” he whispers. “I love you because you’re you.”

“You should never have fallen in love with me. I’m a mess. You deserve so much better than a stupid fucking crack whore.”

Eren sighs and closes his eyes, but only for a split second before they’re open again, gleaming with more light than they had been. “You’re right in a certain sense. I didn’t fall in love with a prostitute. I didn’t go into this relationship thinking you had a drug problem in the past or that you had sex for money in order to survive. I didn’t fall in love with that person.” He rubs his hands over my arms and kisses my forehead. “But I did fall in love with a beautiful, intelligent, absolutely _spectacular_  man named Levi Ackerman. And yes, he has all these little broken pieces of his past that still stick to him today. But I’ll tell you what, I love all of it. I love every single part of him, because he’s a brilliant man.” I look up and meet his eyes, and I just barely escape bursting into tears right then. “I love you, Levi. I love every part of you and that can never change.”

That’s it. That’s my last straw. I start to weep, tears rolling down my face as I fling my arms around him and hold myself to his chest. I want to apologize for it all, but I can’t. And anyway, I know Eren doesn’t want me to. He says he loves all of me. I’ll be damned if I said I don’t feel the exact same way about him.

“I love you,” I whisper through tears. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Eren picks me up and holds me tightly as he carries me into his room, closing the door before setting me on the bed. We pull each other into a much-needed kiss and I let my hands roam all over him, wanting to take in every inch of him that I’ve missed so much.

And I love him, I love him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok that was stupid lmao  
> these stupid idiots don't realize makeup sex doesn't solve everything irl (but this isn't irl) (so its ok) (not rly) (i'm a piece of shit lmfao)  
> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY U GIANT NERDS ILY ALL


	11. eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit on a stick _two updates in ONE DAY??!!_  
>  yes it's true friends i'm actually accomplishing stuff in life !!!
> 
> basically this chapter is,,, not a "filler" chapter at all but it's less present-plotty and more... idk how to explain it.  
> BACKSTORY. it's eren's backstory. things get clarified. because eren opens his heart. *disney music plays in background*
> 
> okay yeah also i was listening to "All The Wild Horses" by Ray Lamontagne and "Breathe Me" by Sia and started sobbing while writing this bye  
> also really short chapter ik but yeah i had to get it out there??idk i suck lmao
> 
> **trigger warning for self harm, suicide, and one particular gory scene where things are described relatively graphically. if any of this bothers you, i advise that you do not read.**

We're quiet as we lie there in Eren's bed, but this time, it's the good kind of quiet. Neither of us are upset, neither of us are afraid of anything. We simply seek comfort in each other like we used to, like the past month hasn't even happened. Eren's fingers run over the spot on my arm where my IV had been hooked into and he kisses it, keeping his arms safely around my bare torso. We just had quite possibly the best sex so far, but that's not the best part of this moment. The best part is being here with Eren, our hearts beating in sync with the exception of how mine misses a couple beats here and there. It's nothing to worry about; I've been like this for a while.

"Hand me my glasses," I request quietly, since I left them on the table next to Eren's side of the bed. Eren does so without complaint and once I have them on, I smile softly at him. "You're so beautiful," I whisper, stroking his cheek. He kisses me gently and I take his arm into my hands, the one with the tattoo covering a great majority of it. I read it silently to myself, just like I have countless times before. I practically have it memorized.  _You already carry me with you wherever you go, and know that as long as love is in your heart, I will be, too._ Every time I look at it, I seem to find new things in it that I didn't notice before. Once, I realized there were minuscule daisies that dotted each "i". Another time, I noticed that each punctuation mark contained a barely noticeable heart shape within it. However, this time, I realize something entirely new: a lot of the skin under Eren's tattoo appears to be distorted somehow;  _scarred._

"Eren," I whisper, my fingers running over the area again and again. "Eren, are these...?"

Eren holds his breath before letting it out in one big huff. "I always wondered when you were going to ask," he says.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I shouldn't-"

"No, it's okay." Eren runs his fingers through my hair and I curl up on his chest. "I can tell you if you'd like, I don't mind."

I hesitated before answering that. Am I ready to hear all of this? Do I  _really_ want to hear Eren tell me about the horrible things he's gone through?

Stupid question. Of course I do.

"Tell me," I say, propping myself up and looking at him. I want him to know he has my completely undivided attention. Once Eren starts talking, my attention doesn't waver for a minute.

"You already know about how my mom died when I was ten. Well, my dad wasn't horrible, he really wasn't, but after she died, he had trouble talking to me or even looking at me without breaking down. I look a lot like her, except her hair was a little darker and our eyes are different colors. But anyways... yeah. He ignored me a lot for quite a few years for that reason. Which, honestly, I can't blame him for now that I look back.

"However, when I was fourteen, my self-hatred really started to skyrocket. My dad didn't care or even notice that my grades were all D's and F's and I had completely isolated myself from any friends. I didn't want to wake up at all, and taking care of myself was a fucking  _brutal_ task. I blamed myself for my mom's death more than ever before. I was depressed, and once my dad finally caught on, I was put on a million different meds at once. Sure, they made me less sad, but they also made me numb. I couldn't feel  _anything,_ Levi. I wanted to feel.

"When I was fifteen, I started harming myself. It started out as scratching and biting and picking at my skin, but that wasn't enough. The first time I... I cut myself, I felt instant relief. I could finally feel something.

"By junior year, my arm was a mess. I had scars over scars and cuts that overlapped each other and they'd break open at school whenever I didn't realize I was picking at them through my sleeve. But eventually, the feeling didn't feel  _right_ anymore. I hated myself more than I ever had before. And then... then, I couldn't take it anymore. I was found in the bathtub with my wrists cut deeper than I'd ever even attempted before and my body was stuffed full of pills. Somehow, the doctors managed to revive me.

"After that, my dad got more involved. A bit controlling, yes, but he was there. I didn't cut anymore after high school and my meds were regulated to a more sufficient amount.. And I could function normally again while still being able to feel.

"Every now and then, I do get in these inevitably depressed states again. They suck like hell. But honestly, since being with you... they've been more rare than a blue moon. Sure, one happened a couple weeks ago, and it was  _bad,_ but I guess life isn't always going to be perfect. And I'm okay. Hell, I'm way more than  _okay._ Life is fucking great, Levi. I'm here, I'm alive, I'm with someone who loves me just as much as I love him. And I made it. I made it, Levi.  _I made it."_

I don't know what to do other than hug Eren with all my might, burying my face in his neck. "I love you," I tell him. "I love you, oh god, I love you." It hurts more than anything to know that Eren had to go through all that shit, but it feels so good to know he's here, he's alive, and he's in my arms. He's strong, and in that, I'm slowly discovering that I, too, am strong. And he loves me, oh god, I know he loves me.

I'll never need anything more than that.

-

Something feels wrong; something feels very wrong. Whether it be the slightly broken knob on the front door or the large muddy footprints leading across the living room floor, nothing about this situation feels right.

I was only gone for ten minutes to go get fruit from the store. How could somebody have broken into the house in only ten minutes?

I set down my grocery bags on the couch and slowly tiptoe around the house, following the trail of footprints. I discover that they lead up the stairs and right into Eren's study. That's odd; before I left, Eren said he was going to do some writing while I was gone.

I knock on the door, but I don't get an answer. "Eren?" I call softly. "Can I come in?"

Worry fills my gut, sickening me with every thought that crosses my mind. What if he's in another depressed state? I need in there  _now,_ so screw being polite.

I barge right into the room, but instead of Eren sitting in his desk chair, it's...  _Erwin._

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?" I demand. He merely points to the corner, and it takes a moment to register that Eren's huddled right there on the floor. Except, it's  _not_ Eren.

It's merely his body.

His face is construed in a grotesque expression of horror and pills are scattered all around his lifeless body. Worst of all, there's blood covering his neck and drenching his shirt, all emanating from a long, deep slash across his throat. Eren's dead. Erwin laughs. All I can do is scream.

I scream and I scream and I scream until suddenly, I'm not in Eren's study anymore; I'm sitting up on his bed, and I can feel warms around me, holding me together. My throat feels raw and it's fucking burning, but I don't stop screaming, not even once.

"Levi, Levi, Levi!" I hear someone say, and I think it's Eren, but that's impossible. Eren is dead.

I'm not even screaming out any words or Eren's name, all I can manage to do is shriek until I feel like my vocal chords are permanently damaged and I can't make any noise anymore. The light in Eren's room is suddenly flipped on, and I can see Armin standing in the doorway.  _When did Armin get here? I don't remember._ The poor kid looks absolutely mortified, as if someone was just screaming Bloody Mary. Which, essentially, I was.

"What's happening?" he says, but not to me. I realize he's talking to Eren, who's holding me safely in his arms. Eren's alive, he's  _alive,_ he's not dead at all. I'm crying now, and I can't control the tears. Armin inspects me quickly before asking, "Nightmare?"

All I can do is nod as I clutch at the sheets, violent sobs racking my entire body. "D- _dead,"_ I'm able to choke out, but my throat hurts too much to elaborate.

Armin calmly turns the light of and tiptoes back to his room upstairs, and Eren is still shushing me, now humming quietly in my ear. I don't recognize the song, but that doesn't matter. All I care about is that Eren is here, he's breathing, and Erwin fucking Smith  _isn't_ here. _  
_

I eventually calm down, pressing my face into Eren's skin. "Can you talk about it?" he asks. I shake my had. He makes a quiet sound of understanding and pulls the blanket tighter around me to help aide my viciously trembling body.

I'm safe.

We're safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter i'm planning on doing more elaboration on levi's childhood and shit yyepp

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://spookymileskane.tumblr.com) / [instagram](http://instagr.am/and.a.smile)


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